Counselor, Advisor, Executive Assistant, Editor, Personal Support Worker, Call Screener, Medic, Therapist, Ministry Partner. These are but a few of the hats worn by the pastor’s wife. When Marcy asked me to write an article about advice for Pastors’ wives from a Pastor, I was a bit intimidated because I know all the things that she and other ministry wives go through and do for us. I cannot emphasize enough how important a role you have in the success of our pastoral ministry.
I am reminded of God’s words in Genesis 2:18, “I will make him a helper fit for him.” As a pastor of two small churches, I need help, and I am grateful that God has given me my wife as my helper. She makes me a better pastor, and so the advice I offer today comes through the grace of God which I have experienced and benefited from in my wife.
First, I would like to acknowledge, and this may be stating the obvious, but I firmly believe that pastors and their wives are a ministry team. We cannot separate the two, the strains of pastoral ministry are not isolated to the official church leader, but are shared between husband and wife, affecting both persons, and if there are kids, them as well. This then leads to the first piece of advice I would offer, guard the sanctity of your family.
It can be incredibly difficult to make space and prioritize time alone, as a couple, or a family. Pastors are on call 24/7, whether employed part-time or in full-time ministry. One of the best things you can do for your pastor husband is to ensure that you and he have time alone, to get away and just be. Prioritize your marriage and your family. I know all too well that there is a tendency to feel guilty when elevating the importance of family time over service and ministry, but this is one of the most important things that you can do to positively impact both your, and your husband’s ministry. Your relationship as husband and wife will affect ministry, either positively or negatively, just as ministry can both enrich or harm your marriage. I am so grateful that my wife helps bring balance between ministry and family.
If you are part of a church, and you’re not the pastor’s wife, make sure you support your pastor’s family and even encourage your pastor’s wife to miss out on some church functions to foster the relationship with her children or to help your pastor and his wife guard their precious family time. Finding time for family can often be very difficult. There is often a lot of pressure to attend every church event, but consider whether this is always necessary. If you do this, you will not only bless your pastor’s family, but help fuel their ministry in the church.
The next piece of advice I would suggest is to give honest, constructive criticism to your husband. Although I was at first resistant to receive critique of my sermons and ministry ideas from my wife, due to my own struggles with pride, I now understand that she is helping me see how the congregation is receiving both what I am saying, and where I am leading them. Proverbs 1:5 says, “Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.” I have learned my wife has a great deal of insight and wisdom to offer me as she observes the congregation and listens to what the people tell her.
The next thing I would emphasize is the importance of praying with and for your husband. I cherish the times Marcy and I pray together. It binds us together and it fuels our ministry. In Matthew 18:19-20 we are told, “Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” It is one thing for me to pray on my own for my family, my ministry, the congregation, and community but it is another thing entirely when we pray together as a couple. As we sit in the church and pray over that space and the people who gather there, as we pray for each other and our family, it is powerful and it fires me up and fuels my passion for serving in God’s kingdom. Make no mistake, I am not discounting the power and effectiveness of solitary prayer (James 5:16), but I believe that scripture makes it clear that when we pray together in surrender to the will of God, God moves.
Make praying together and praying over each other a priority. Satan will attack your relationship; he will attempt to thwart your ministry and discourage you as you serve with your husband. An often-overlooked part of the armor of God prescribed by Paul for all kingdom warriors is prayer and in Ephesians 6:18-19 he writes, “praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel.” Praying for and with your husband is one of the greatest things you can do for him, for your church, and for yourself.
As pastors’ wives you fill a vital and important role and you carry much responsibility in the work of His Kingdom. You are often under-appreciated for all that you do and sacrifice. It may at times seem like it is a task too much to bear. But “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)
May you be blessed in all that you do.
