As we close one year and step into the next, I invite you to pause for a moment of reflection.
What has unfolded for you this past year?
- Becoming a parent or transitioning to an empty nest?
- Putting kids into school or choosing to homeschool?
- Starting a business or stepping into retirement?
- Receiving a devastating diagnosis or the joyous news of remission?
- Mourning loss—a loved one, a church role, a marriage, a way of life? Or celebrating new life—the arrival of a baby, the birth of a ministry, or entering a new church family?
Each new year inevitably brings 365 days of the unexpected—moments of both joy and pain. How we navigate these experiences is profoundly influenced by the way we think during, after, and about them.
This reflection is an invitation to pause and take inventory of the thoughts that have shaped your own journey through this past year bringing you to where you are today in hopes that it will help shape where you choose to invest your time in the year to come. Feel free to take out paper and pen or your handy-dandy “note” app on your phone and respond to the following questions as you begin to consider what might need gentle, tender adjustment in your life in the year to come.
What did you think about as the days of 2024 unfolded?
Two recent Flowers articles explored how our thinking shapes our lives. In November, Jen Hulbert addressed “distorted cognitions”—common but damaging thought patterns such as catastrophizing, reasoning from emotions, fault-finding (“narrowed thinking”), all-or-nothing thinking, and jumping to conclusions. She emphasized the need to seek outside assistance to help us evaluate our thoughts since we’re often unreliable judges of our own. In December, Sarah Johnson focused on embracing the pain of pride— again, speaking of the expression of pride seen in the thoughts we struggle to admit we even think! She offered specific examples of prideful thinking pastors’ wives often wrestle with, challenging us to face our pride and embrace humility as the path to freedom in serving others. Her words, “…when I’m free from pride, I’m free to notice the needs around me…” reminded me of my own journey to freedom and joy after I began to discover my own distorted thoughts and then began work to replace them.
These articles provide valuable guidance as we prepare for 2025 and in the remainder of my encouragement to you, I wanted to capitalize on what has already been addressed taking it just one step further.
Let’s begin taking inventory by considering these questions:
Questions to Evaluate Thinking Patterns:
- What recurring thoughts did I spend my time thinking this past year?
- When conflict or stress arose, what did I find myself thinking?
- How would I describe my mental state to a friend? (Spinning? Racing? Unable to shut off?)
- What would it be like to experience mental peace? (Did you just sigh reading that question?)
- When, if ever, was I able to experience mental peace? (What was happening in or around me?)
A Personal Story of Humility and Healing
As I consider my own experiences as a pastor’s wife, I’m reminded how distorted thinking often led, unknowingly, to my own unnecessary suffering. I couldn’t see this until I was healing from our forced termination which required me to confront not only the traumatic impact of abusive church leadership, but also my own unhealthy thought patterns I’d developed (and snuggled up with) as a pastor’s wife.
In this healing journey, I began to realize that pride wasn’t just “out there” in those who’d hurt us so deeply; it was within me, too! I’d spent far too many years clinging to distorted thoughts like, “It’s all up to me,” and “If anyone knew how much I was struggling, it would ruin my husband’s ministry” and “No one would understand me anyway.” These patterns didn’t just rob me of joy; they hindered my ability to connect authentically with God and kept me divided from others, often having a “me vs. them” mentality, the very opposite of what I desperately wanted! I can see these same thoughts displayed in many pastors’ wives spaces which continues to hurt my heart deeply as I long for all pastors’ wives to experience freedom from these unhealthy, self-inflicting wounded ways of thinking that are bringing death, instead of life (Romans 8).
So, First…
Changing one’s thinking requires both courage and humility. Before I truly started healing, I didn’t realize just how much of both of these I’d need! Acknowledging my need for help, actively and consistently seeking it, and then being willing to challenge and change my thinking was really hard work which required that I first accept other’s input and perspective into my life. As I slowly learned to do this, I began to be able to replace my distorted thoughts with ones that were more aligned with Philippians 4:8 – “lovely, praise worthy, excellent…”. From there, joy and freedom beyond any I’d never known was able to begin to take root. I couldn’t see my distorted thinking for what it was, so I needed another who was safe (enough) and trained in ways to help me gain perspective and insight when I couldn’t see it clearly myself.
Questions To Find Wise Help
- Who in my life consistently offers safe (enough), wise connection and support? How can I make room and invite them into a more intentional role in my life?
- What professional resources could provide tools or insights I currently lack? (e.g., books, podcasts, organizations specializing in emotional or spiritual health)
- Who might have the expertise to guide me in addressing my challenges? (e.g., a mentor, therapist, coach, or spiritual director)
Proverbs 24:6 reminds us, “By wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory.” Often, for us as pastors’ wives, the war we’re fighting most is within our own minds.
Overcoming Common Barriers to Support
When considering making a change, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by reasons why it “isn’t possible,” or “the right time.” Common concerns I’ve thought and heard echoed among pastors’ wives I’ve worked with have included the pressure to “set a good example,” fearing “looking weak”, “ruining” their pastor-husband’s job, or believing that no one could possibly understand them even if they did seek help. Some believe that seeking support is “selfish” or even “ungodly” and others worry about practical pieces such as not having help locally, lacking the finances, or being too busy to “fit it in.” Yet, all of these barriers can be addressed with creativity and intentionality—options for help exist for all pastors’ families – but you may have to reach out and begin asking for help first! (A great place to start is just by reaching out to Flowers leadership!)
The bottom line is, prioritizing your thought life is a decision that will lead to joy, freedom, and an increase in being able to serve others, not a decrease, but this decision is one only we can make for ourselves. No one can – or should – do that for us.
Take a moment to answer these questions related to barriers:
- What barrier(s) seem to prevent you from seeking the help you have identified needing?
- How could you challenge your belief or approach to the barrier you just named?
Looking Ahead
As we step into a new year, one of my deepest hopes is that pastors’ wives will prepare and take action to receive help. When we ask for help in the appropriate place, we lighten the load on ourselves and on our loved ones, putting scripture into practice as we invite others in to help us. We need one another, and this leads us back to humility. Humility is not weakness but strength rooted in truth—a willingness to see yourself as you are, without denial or defensiveness. It takes humility to reflect on the past year, to assess where you’re thriving or struggling, and to seek the help you need.
As you look toward 2025 having taken inventory over this past year, I am praying the words of Romans 15:13 over you: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
