I love my husband. More than anyone else on the earth. In my eyes, he’s as close to perfect as it comes. (I know I see him through rose colored glasses, but that’s ok!)
In ministry, I have found that not everyone sees him the same way. Although God has graciously blessed us and our ministry with very little conflict, there have been times when people chose to criticize (us or him).
Earlier in our ministry my heart would ache when I saw my beloved criticized (mostly for ridiculous, non-biblical reasons. Have you been there?) In fact, I would have much rather been the target than see my sweet husband attacked.
Now, before you think that it doesn’t bother me anymore, let me just explain that I’ve learned better how to handle things biblically when my husband is criticized. Hopefully these little tips will help you as well.
Evaluate
No one likes to be attacked and oftentimes, our first response is to take offense. It can seem rude, unkind and unfair for someone to criticize our husbands. It’s also very hurtful. But sometimes, the person attacking may actually be bringing something worthwhile for us to consider (not what I always want to hear). Many times, the criticism isn’t helpful and is very unwarranted. So take the time to evaluate and ask God for wisdom (James 1:5) to discern whether the attack is valid and needs to be considered.
Keep a Biblical Perspective
Remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood. The enemy wants us to take our focus off of Christ and our ministry and onto ourselves. Therefore, it’s very easy to take the attack personally. Fight it with the armor of God. Bow in prayer for your husband and yourself.
Remember to Encourage Him Through It
You are your husband’s biggest cheerleader and friend. When the criticism comes, and it will, he needs your support, love, and encouragement. If there is indeed, something valuable offered in the criticism, (and as I said earlier, oftentimes, if we step back, there is) then lovingly help him to see that. Remind him of his calling and point him to Christ.
Pray, Pray, Pray!
Go to God in prayer and lift your husband (and the one criticizing) up in prayer. I’ve found it’s sometimes hard to keep a good attitude toward the one attacking, so praying faithfully for that person helps my heart. It’s also especially important to bathe your husband in prayer.
Find a Trustworthy Friend
Finding a friend in the ministry can be very difficult. You need a listening ear, but also want to be careful of not gossiping. I’ve found it especially helpful to find a godly woman outside the church. (Hint: The Flowers for the Pastor’s Wife Facebook group is a great place for encouragement!) Truly, you need someone you can call on to pray with you, who doesn’t always need all the details. Surround yourself with godly counsel.
Don’t Lash Out
Being a ministry wife means we are held to a higher standard (James 3:1) and although I don’t recommend any believer lash out when criticized – it’s especially important that we as ministry wives bridle our tongues (James 1:26) and take our cares and concerns to the Lord. He will fight for us if we need Him to (Exodus 14:14). Trusting God to take care of the wrong done to our husbands takes faith. It’s not easy to hear the criticism and it’s often our nature to lash out or retaliate. Don’t do it! Let God take care of it.
My friend, being in ministry means that at some point you will face unkind judgements on your husband, your family, your ministry, yourself, etc. A wise Senior Saint once told my husband and me that if Satan was attacking, we could praise God, because we were doing something right!
As small town pastors’ wives, the criticism can be difficult to bear. Small communities mean people talk and they judge. More than likely, you have come into your community as an outsider and the people of the community are quick to circle up their wagons and leave you and your husband (and family) feeling like an outsider. If you find yourself in the midst of a struggle involving your husband being criticized, now more than ever, you need to cultivate your marriage. Draw close to one another as you draw close to God. Bring your requests to God together. Cry out to Him together. Heal together. This criticism, though difficult to bear, may very well be a tool to strengthen your marriage and your walk with the Lord.
