Faithfulness Amidst Social Pressures

“We missed you at the ladies meeting last night.”

“I noticed you weren’t at church on Sunday. Is everything okay?”

Over the years as a pastor’s wife I’ve been a part of many conversations that have begun similarly, and I have found that the reasons behind them can be as varied as the people giving them. Unfortunately, they often have a cumulative effect of weighing on my spirit because I feel pressured to do certain things and judged if I do or don’t do certain things.

So…what is the problem with these questions? Are these people not just concerned for my welfare?

Most of the time I can feel the genuine concern behind these statements; I know that the person truly cares for me and my family, but sometimes I feel other motives that put pressure on me.

I have been reading John Bunyan’s classic “Pilgrim’s Progress” recently, and in keeping with his method of assigning names to the characters that define who they are, I’d like to share an excerpt from Pastor’s Wife’s Journey starring PASTOR’S WIFE, BUSYBODY, PRESUMPTUOUS, WELL-MEANING, and HOLY SPIRIT.

Pastor’s Wife’s Journey

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. 

Meet PASTOR’s WIFE.

PASTOR’s WIFE works full-time out of her home while her children are at school. She manages her household both before and after work, supervising as her children go out the door each morning, and maybe throwing in a load or two of laundry before heading out herself. Before that she usually pulls some meat from the freezer for supper later.

She answers emails and makes phone calls to shut-ins in the evenings. Throw in an hour or two or more at times to listen to her husband as he ciphers out how to handle some issues with the passage for his Sunday sermon, or that counseling situation, or elder relationship that is difficult, and her weekday is done.

Weekends come and she is getting ready for ministry at the services on Sunday and/or company afterwards. Sunday comes and she helps in the nursery, perhaps teaches a Sunday School class on occasion, or makes a casserole for the potluck after church, all the while making time to move around the congregation to chat with that older man who is recovering from surgery and that youth who has been making less-than-godly choices lately. This is PASTOR’s WIFE.

One Sunday she’s just tired. Stresses with the church leadership have piled up. Her kids are not feeling the best–not throwing up–but just not feeling optimal. She feels that rest is needed for all of them, and so she decides to stay home while her husband heads off to preach. The following Sunday she returns, refreshed and thankful that she took the time to just be at home to seek God and spend quiet time with her children.

The following Sunday BUSYBODY first approaches her after the service.

BUSYBODY is a curious sort. Now curiosity can be a very good thing. After all, we are supposed to live in wonder of the world God has created and always be desirous of learning more, to grow in our knowledge of God and the world. Busybody’s problem is that she doesn’t know when curiosity has turned into an entitlement to know things that aren’t hers to know.

BUSYBODY: “We missed you on Sunday. Is everything okay? Were your kids sick? I hope you’re okay. I’d really like to help you out. l am going to bring dinner tonight at 6 o’clock.”

Too stunned to respond, PASTOR’s WIFE stands silent while BUSYBODY walks away, quite proud that she knows what’s really going on with PASTOR’s WIFE.

Before she can make it to the washroom to hide away for a moment and collect her thoughts, PRESUMPTUOUS approaches her.

PRESUMPTUOUS: “I noticed you weren’t here last Sunday. You must have been sick. You know you really need to rest more. Maybe you should consider cutting back some of your work hours. You probably just need a little extra help. I will bring a meal tonight, and my husband and I will stay and eat it with you, just to encourage you. You really need a friend right now.”

PASTOR’s WIFE: “We’re fine, really, but thank you. Someone else has already offered to bring dinner.”

PRESUMPTUOUS: “That’s no problem. We’ll bring it by this afternoon so you can put it in the freezer for later in the week. Should we come around 4pm?”

PASTOR’s WIFE continues her journey to the washroom, hoping no one else will waylay her along the way, but, alas, WELL-MEANING with her kind smile steps quietly into her path. She has a different approach.

WELL-MEANING: “We missed you last Sunday. Is everything okay? I have been concerned about you lately; and I was wondering, would you like me to bring a meal by sometime? Just to take one extra thing off your plate.”

At this point, PASTOR’s WIFE is not only getting a bit annoyed and tired but she also really has to go! What to do?

PASTOR’s WIFE: “I really appreciate your offer, but we have what we need for today. Thanks for your concern.”

When PASTOR’s WIFE finally makes it to the washroom she’s near to tears and is wondering what it must be like to just show up on a Sunday without having hundreds of prying eyes and ears and mouths “helping” her so much.

How to respond? Something has to change.

A few months later PASTOR’s WIFE is unable to attend the ladies meeting because she has had a full week of responsibilities and is feeling depressed over the recent loss of someone dear to her, and she just can’t do one more thing.

The following day she receives an email from BUSYBODY.

BUSYBODY: “Hi, PASTOR’s WIFE. We missed you on Friday. Is everything okay? I hope you’re not sick….”

PASTOR’S WIFE types out her response, and hits “Send”: “Thanks for your concern, BUSYBODY. We are all well. We hope to see you Sunday.”

PRESUMPTUOUS texts next.

PRESUMPTUOUS: “Hey! The speaker at the ladies meeting last night talked about how to handle grief. I’m sure that it was just too hard for you to come to that meeting, considering it’s so soon after your loved one died, and I totally understand. That was really good that you stayed away so you could just take care of yourself.”

PASTOR’s WIFE sighs, picks up her phone and sends this text in reply: “I appreciate your concern. We can always use prayer.”

WELL-MEANING waits a bit longer; she approaches PASTOR’s WIFE on Sunday morning while she reaches for her coat on the rack.

WELL-MEANING: “The speaker on Friday was so good. I’m sorry that you missed it. You’re doing okay?”

PASTOR’s WIFE: “I am doing well. Thanks for your concern. We all have things we carry with us, and we all need prayer every day.”

PASTOR’s WIFE rides home with PASTOR and PASTOR’s KIDS, feeling confident that HEAVENLY FATHER was pleased with her. Why? She did not feed BUSYBODY’s appetite for satisfying her curiosity. She did not allow PRESUMPTUOUS to think her assumptions were correct, yet she did not explain her reasons either. And WELL-MEANING was affirmed in her desire to encourage without receiving any unnecessary details regarding her reason for not attending the Ladies Meeting.

SOCIAL PRESSURE speaks and squeezes PASTOR and PASTOR’s WIFE every day. However, they are learning to listen to another Voice, the still and quiet Voice of HOLY SPIRIT.

He speaks peace and rest and confidence in His unconditional love and acceptance and His approval in listening to Him alone.

Fellow PASTOR’s WIFE, listen hard to Him.