My husband and I both graduated from Bible college. We knew why we needed to counsel from God’s Word. We agreed wholeheartedly with the theories of biblical counseling. We could even give you a great list of books to read.
Yet, the first time a wife came to us broken and hurting from her husband’s affair, or the college student stood before us with scars from cutting covering her arms, or the mother sat sobbing on our couch grieving her rebellious child, those theories flew quickly from our heads as our hearts longed to provide counsel that would encourage their aching hearts and strengthen their relationship with their Savior.
In the years of biblical counseling sessions that my husband and I have been involved in, there are three, simple steps we have used to guide us in the counseling room: Listen, Consider, Respond.
Listen
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13.
When I was young, my father used to say to my outspoken self, “God gave you two ears and one mouth. Which one did he intend for you to use more?” Now, I’m not sure if that’s why God gave us one ear more or not. However, his point stuck with me. Listening is more important than speaking.
That truth remains the same in counseling. We must train ourselves to listen well by asking the right questions, physically showing interest, and accurately taking notes. This is not a natural aptness for most of us. We have quick, strong opinions, and they are not always wrong. In fact, many are God-focused and Word-guided. However we have to ask, are those quick opinions truly answering the heart needs of our counselees, or are they missing the mark?
Have you ever played the game of Pictionary? Players excitedly shout out their answers to solve the identity of the next picture being drawn. One second it looks like a bucket, the next it changes to a giraffe, and then again to an outline of Switzerland. Soon, everyone is confused yet they still continue to shout possibilities, all the while missing the truth of what is being drawn. So it is within the counseling room. There are so many possibilities that could touch their hearts, yet wise counsel comes only from our mouths when our mouths are shut long enough to hear what our counselees are saying. We can only fully know the picture of a person’s heart when we fully listen with our whole hearts.
Consider
Interpretation of the information gained during the questioning and listening process can be one of the most difficult tasks of counseling. Yet, this is where we can have the most hope! God’s Word is sufficient (2 Tim. 2:15). God’s Word is powerful (Heb. 4:12). God’s Word gives wisdom to tackle the physical and the spiritual (Prov. 2:6). God’s Word tells us that we can be used as instruments of righteousness (Romans 6:13). Look at that last sentence. Instruments. We are instruments of God. The interpretation of the counselee’s problem comes not from ourselves but from the wisdom of God’s Word and the working of the Holy Spirit in our hearts.
After we gain and hold to this understanding of the sufficiency of Scripture and the wisdom of God, we must use wise interpretation skills to continue well. The are are 5 areas we must approach when discerning the appropriate path to take in counseling each individual person.
- the person (personality, interests, family, etc.)
- their problem (immediate, ingrained, complicated)
- their patterns (thought patterns, themes, repeated behaviors)
- their perspectives (himself, his problems, view of God, solutions),
- and their motives (heart, idols, focus)
Each of these areas involve the entire person. God did not separate our soul from our body. They are to be interpreted together (Matt. 4:4 and Deut. 8:3). Carefully consider these 5 areas as it pertains to what you have heard from the counselee, make a battle plan, yet above all pray for God’s wisdom that He gives so liberally (James 1:5).*
Respond
The book Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling gives a definition of counseling that is as beautifully inspiring as it is immensely overwhelming. “Biblical counseling is God-centered, Bible-saturated, emotionally-in-touch use of language to help people become God-besotted, Christ-exalting, joyfully self-forgetting lovers of people.” (pg. 24) Books upon books have been written upon the art of response in the counseling room. Therefore, I will not spend a large portion of time on this subject (a list of good resources is given below). Yet, there are two major response points I want to highlight.
Give hope. At the end of the day, if all you remember from this article is “give hope” this will thrill my heart. Re-frame the world of the counselee in the truth of God’s Word. Open the pages of their story to the hope they have in salvation (1 Peter 1).
Exalt God. Through the Word and your own life-example guide your counselee to a correct understanding of our sovereign God. Rejoice with them in the security and comfort of the character of God. “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.” (Ps. 16:8-9)
In conclusion, I want to encourage your hearts. You are not put into the position of counseling those who come to you simply because there is no one else. You have been placed in your little church, in your little town at this moment in time because our sovereign God chose you to counsel. You have been created in Christ Jesus for good works (Eph. 2:10), and as He has chosen you for those good works, He will not leave you without guidance (John 14). Be humble in your position yet confident in His choice.
*In any counseling session, it is very important to consider both physical and spiritual matters. Encourage your counselee to seek medical advice. Many counselees have found physical health problems that have caused mental anguish. Please be wise in your counsel.
Starting Resources:
Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling edited by MacDonald, Kellemen, & Viars
The Peacemaker by Ken Sande
Counseling the Hard Cases edited by Stuart Scott and Heath Lambert
Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul David Tripp
Putting Your Past in Its Place by Steve Viars
Women Counseling Women edited by Elyse Fitzpatrick
Association of Biblical Certified Biblical Counselors: https://biblicalcounseling.com
Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation: https://ccef.org