My role as a pastor’s wife is the realization of a childhood dream. As a little girl, I would pretend to be in ministry as I played “church.” I imagined entertaining guests in my home, discipling others through Bible study, singing a special in the morning worship service, and so on.
As I grew into a teenaged girl, my vision to support my husband involved being a ministry helpmeet; I’d daydream of ironing his shirts and praying with him before the Sunday morning service, joining him in Bible studies, and welcoming the congregants into our home.
I prayed for my husband long before I knew him and in faith I asked God to prepare me to be a pastor’s wife one day. And God did just that. He answered my prayer and gave me the desires of my heart. And it has been a beautiful thing.
What I did not expect was the debilitating panic attacks that became a part of my life at almost the exact same time that God brought Ben to me at the age of 19. I was blindsided and helpless. The first panic attack came out of the blue and that panic attack set off two decades of relentless panic.
If you’ve never experienced panic attacks before, (praise the Lord!) let me just give you a small glimpse of what it’s like (for me at least):
Though I absolutely love people, the fear of being trapped in a conversation makes me shake. It doesn’t matter who the person is, or how comfortable I am with that person, I can’t breathe (think suffocation) and I have to fight to stand in one spot so I don’t look like I’m stark-raving mad. Since the physical feelings overwhelm me, I can’t form a complete thought. Answering basic questions is very difficult for me. After the physical feelings subside, (which is usually the entire time I am talking to someone) my heart gives way to grief, sadness, doubt, defeat, and all the other accusations the enemy likes to bring against me.
I’m hardly a shining example of a “pastor’s wife.”
I understand the desperation of feeling helpless and hopeless. I know what it’s like to plead with God and wonder if He hears me. I have felt inefficient and ineffective. I’ve pondered how lacking I am as a pastor’s wife. I know the feelings of loss and dreams dashed. I have been accused by the enemy and tempted to believe that I could never serve Christ, as flawed as I am.*
I don’t tell you these things to invoke any sympathy. No; instead, I want to give you hope.
I want you to know that the depth of struggle is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I never thought this scenario through when I was a little girl playing “church.”
If you find yourself in my same position (maybe the struggle is different, i.e. depression, chronic fatigue, physical pain, etc.) and you feel like your ministry is overtaken by a deficit that is bigger than you can fathom or handle, I want you to know that our God is bigger! He’s stronger and He’s mightier than the panic attacks. He’s able. He will sustain you and He will carry you.
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Does panic affect my ministry? Absolutely!! But has it taken away my ability to minister to others joyfully? Absolutely not!!
Though I would never ask God for this trial in my life; in fact, many times I’ve pleaded with Him to remove it, I have finally, after 15 years of ministry, come to the acceptance and understanding that God, in His goodness, has allowed me to have joy amidst the panic.
Is joy really possible?
Though the panic makes my ability to minister to others a bit more challenging, I am able to shine Christ’s love and joy as I literally am dependent on Him to carry me through every conversation, every act of service, every task where panic is ever-present.
My friend, and fellow pastor’s wife, do you struggle with panic attacks? Is anxiety a part of your life and your ministry? My guess is that if you’re reading this, you probably have struggled with fear or anxiety on some level. But it doesn’t have to take the joy out of your ministry.
It just means you have to be more creative and learn to depend on God in ways others may never experience.
God can give you joy through the trial of panic and anxiety in your life and ministry. It really is possible. Because we serve the God of the impossible!
Fully surrender your anxiety to Him and watch as He does a beautiful thing. Will He remove your struggle? Maybe not! But as is the case with me, He has used it to conform me to the image of Christ (Romans 8:28-29) and that brings more joy than anything on earth could ever afford!
It doesn’t mean you won’t experience the challenge of forging through something overwhelming. Nor does it mean that it will be easy. But when you serve God amidst the panic, something beautiful happens:
But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1:27-30
You see, rather than feel defeated, He can use you, in all your weakness, to effectively serve Him. AMAZING!!!
There is no greater joy!
The enemy seeks to destroy us (1 Peter 5:8-9). We can’t let him! If you are struggling with panic/anxiety, you must fill your mind with truth! I have found this song to be a great encouragement to me even as I have felt like I am drowning in panic. I’m reminded that God will keep me. He will never let me go. He Will Hold Me Fast.
*I have recently found out that after more than twenty years of suffering this way, many of my problems with panic attacks are, indeed, physical. I’ve begun using natural supplements to help me overcome some of the feelings, though the panic is not gone completely. If you are suffering, I strongly suggest you seek help.
How about you? Are you overwhelmed by the feelings of panic/anxiety? Has your struggle threatened to overtake your ministry? Do you find yourself feeling defeated? How might you find joy amidst the suffering? Please comment below. We’d love to chat with you and pray for/with you.
I appreciated the Scripture verses you picked out. And I also love that song! Thanks Amber.
Thank you, Nicole! That song is definitely an encouragement!