“You get hit… Every time, feels like I’m gettin’ hit, too. And I’m not half as tough as you are.”
In the film Cinderella Man, James Braddock is a New Jersey boxer who keeps fighting to provide income for his family. These words are spoken by his wife, Mae, at the beginning of the film in an effort to explain how hard it is for her to watch his fights.
I can’t help but relate to Mae as I think of the blows of criticism my husband sometimes sustains in his ministry.
True, as a pastor and teacher of the Word, it is absolutely biblical that he is held to a higher standard (James 3:1). He is responsible for teaching and shepherding his flock; as such, he needs to be held accountable.
Yet, at times it feels as if there are unrealistic expectations for pastors. Never sin. Never mess up. Never hurt someone’s feelings. In short, don’t be human. But my husband is human, and he does mess up. Therefore, he will face heavy criticism—some just and some unjust.
Why does criticism hurt so much? Maybe comparing criticism to the blows in a boxing match seems a bit extreme, but I know it rings true for me. Each time I hear of a new criticism of my husband, it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut. My husband (like so many other pastors) has been trained for ministry and knows to expect criticism. That doesn’t mean it’s easy for him, but he’s more prepared than I am. I am his wife, his other half. To hear people speaking against him shakes me to the core. It is as much a criticism of me as it is of him because we are one.
Since I wasn’t trained to take these blows, how should I respond? I want to respond like I’m in the ring opposite these people, ready to strike back at them. I want to rage against the responsible parties. I want to rally my troops and stage a defensive. I want to argue my husband’s side to any and all who will listen. I want to convince those people how wrong they are about him. I want to bring in champions who will squash the opposition.
As soon as I slow down enough to take a breath and listen, the Holy Spirit whispers to me,
“Against whom is your battle?”
I begin to answer Him with a comprehensive list of people and actions; yet again I am reminded, “Against whom is your battle?”
It is then that my heart begins to soften, and I remember,
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12 ESV).
My brothers and sisters in Christ are not the enemy. Satan is.
Satan would absolutely love for us to tear apart the body of Christ from the inside out. Never forget that we are in an intense spiritual battle, and criticism (well-intentioned or not) can often be a tool of his to cause great damage.
However, I firmly believe criticism can also be a great tool in God’s hands to stretch, strengthen, and grow each of us when we allow Him. If we are never stretched, we will never grow. If we are never challenged, we will grow stagnate.
What should we do? When our husbands are criticized, we must root our response in love. Love is the starting point of reconciliation. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). To be like Christ, we must respond to our Christian brothers and sisters with love, whether we are in the wrong or not. We must let Christ’s love flow through us and be the artist’s brush that paints every word or action of our response.
{In my next post in a couple of weeks, we’ll explore some practical ways of how to respond to criticism in love.}
Part 1 of 2
– Part 2
In some sense, we are in the ring with our husbands. But there’s no amount of training that will soften criticism of someone we love. I’ve even had people bring their criticism of my husband to me, expecting me to pass it on to him – which I don’t. I tell them, if they can say it to me, then they can say it to the pastor themselves – which they don’t. Sometimes, we become the critic’s punching bag, taking the blows meant for our husbands. Just remember, there is another Person in our corner, waiting to be tagged, willing to take on the critics for us, and to soften our response to the critics, if we would only go to Him.
Excellent point Cheryl! We really are in the ring with our husbands. And the best part of all is being able to call on God to help us through it. Thanks for your thoughts!
Well written fellow PW…can’t wait to read part 2!
Well said, Cheryl Anne!