Just down the road from my house is The Corncrib, an old corncrib covered in graffiti from decades of high school seniors signing their names. It’s a local landmark beloved by the community. If we were to chip away at the paint, there would be too many layers to count.
The wounds left by criticism can build up on our hearts as quickly as the layers of paint on that old corncrib, effectively smothering our heart and passion for ministry.
Dealing with criticism well demands we root ourselves in love, but where do we go from there? How do we respond to people in love when we are hurting inside?
Here are seven ways to respond to criticism in love:
- Listen Respectfully
Listen to the criticism without immediately becoming defensive. If we respond defensively before taking the time to think about what’s been said, we have lost major ground in the battle for reconciliation and growth. This doesn’t mean we have to agree. Simply listen and promise to pray about what they’ve said.
- Pray
Take the time to step back from the situation and seek God’s leading. Ask Him to reveal any areas of sin or wrongdoing in your own mind, words, and actions. More often than not, God will reveal something to you that you need to make right. Pray also for those who are criticizing you. Thank God for them, pray blessings on them, pray that God would lead them, and pray for God to give you His love for them. Those things alone can do wonders for a hurting heart.
- Seek Godly Advice
Go to the leaders in your church and humbly seek their advice. Unbiasedly present the situation to them allowing them to judge the criticism as true or not. Work together to build a plan for responding to this situation biblically. Ask for a mediator to be present at the next conversation. This will help keep emotions in check and bring a more objective perspective to the table.
- Remember That Hurt People, Hurt People
When others hurt me or my husband, it helps to remember that they may be hurting as well. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does help me to better understand them and reminds me to pray for them in their own hurts. The flip side of this is that, when we are hurting, it is easy to lash out and hurt those around us. In my life, my children tend to feel the brunt of this. Take time to pray and ask God to give you patience and love towards those around you, as you choose not to take out your hurt on them.
- Cry Out To God
I’m a firm believer that crying can bring healing. Criticism hurts. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help me move forward. I usually need to lock myself in the bathroom, pour out my heart to God in grief, and allow myself time to hurt. You may not need to cry literal tears like I do, but we all need to cry out to God for His healing.
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Get Some Distance
Take time to get away and stop thinking about the criticism. Maybe this means a vacation, a family day, or an evening away with your husband. Maybe it just means plugging into another area of ministry where you are distanced from the criticism for a short time. Regardless, find a way to gain distance because with distance comes perspective.
- Be Encouraged By the Good
Lift your head from the cloud of despair! Look around and see the beauty of God’s body around you. Make a list of ways God has blessed or encouraged you recently: a kind word from someone at church, a hug, a sweet card, a financial gift, or a dear church member who serves faithfully. The possibilities are endless! During this process, I often find myself rapidly moving from overwhelming grief to overwhelming gratitude. Similarly, it is healthy to rise up out of the pain and bless someone around you. 1 Peter 3:9 tells us, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” Rather than responding to criticism in anger or bitterness, you can turn around and find ways to bless the people in your ministry. In so doing, you are fulfilling the call on your life to bless others.
When we face criticism, we must choose how to respond. Will we allow the hurt and pain to build up layers of anger and bitterness on our hearts like that old corncrib? Or, will we turn to God and allow His love to flow through us in order to paint the beautiful masterpiece of His plan?
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Thanks for your honesty, Tobi; this is great godly counsel which is very applicable to us right now in our situation. I like it that you remind us of the rightness of crying out to God with the hurt. Sin separates, and we need to acknowledge that and not pretend, as you said. I’m trying to learning that, too.
You handled a difficult subject well and in a godly manner- thanks for sharing!