As our lives change, so do the ways that we interact with our spouses. It is one thing to overcome obstacles when dating as a couple of young twenty-year-olds, but quite another thing to try to fit dating in between meeting the needs of families, congregations, and full or part time jobs. It is easy to forget to take care of each other as we focus on dealing with the issues that arise in our daily lives
Last week I wrote about dating the pastor and talked about some of the ways that my husband and I attempt to find time for each other in the busyness of life in ministry. This is never easy but it is necessary if we want to nurture and cherish the love that we have for each other. There are many challenges we face along the way that we have to overcome through the grace that God gives us.
As ministry wives, we all know what it is like to have our plans changed when our husbands are called out on church business or for an emergency. It is one of the realities of the ministry to which we have been called, but it can also wreak havoc with schedules and supersede time we may have planned to spend nurturing our relationship with one another. When you add in the daily responsibilities we all face, such as meal planning, taking care of the kids and other family members, unplanned sickness, and possibly working full or part time, there seems to be very little time to spend with our spouses.
I find that I often go through the motions of living every day without fully engaging in life with my husband. We are home together, but we are so busy we don’t take the time to fully connect with one another. As I have focused on dating my husband these past few months, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the importance of being mindful of the moments we have together. The way we spend our time together now is very different from the way we spent time together twenty-five years ago, but in some ways it is much more meaningful. We understand how precious it is to have a few minutes together, and we value the time we have much more than we did in the past.
We know it is a choice to be faithful to and value one another and our marriage, and it is a choice we gladly make each day. That doesn’t mean it is easy and some days are more difficult than others, but, nevertheless, God calls us to be faithful. Ephesians 4:1-7says “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.
I find this scripture very convicting when I think of it in terms of the way that I treat my husband. Am I being humble, gentle, patient, and loving in my interactions with him? When the day has been rough, and I start to get short-tempered, am I showing him the same grace that God has shown me? Can other people see this in our lives? Are we showing a good example of godly love to the people in our congregation and to our own child?
Lately, I have been thinking about how important it is to be faithful throughout all the seasons of our lives. We all face challenges in our lives and in our marriages that are unique to us and our families. Despite the personal nature of these challenges that differ for each of us, we are all called to show the same faithfulness to our spouses.
When we have had a rough day, I have to ask myself whether I am acting as God would have me to act toward my husband. Are we exemplifying a godly marriage? Do we serve each other in simple love when times get tough? Do we recognize the tiredness in each other and graciously serve one another, or are we pushing each other’s buttons and making life worse? Are we willing to change how we spend time together, how we date one another, to meet the needs of our marriage as our lives unfold according to God’s plan?
My husband and I have recently entered a new season in our lives and we are still working through what it will look like. We are older parents with a young, eight-year-old daughter. My husband pastors two churches and is taking online courses to get his university degree. I work full time as a high school teacher. On top of this, I was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness that leaves me exhausted and often in pain. My husband has very graciously and lovingly picked up the slack at home as I have struggled to come to grips with how to balance life with a chronic illness. Even though he is often tired himself, he graciously serves my daughter and me with a loving spirit.
Despite our personal obstacles, we still attempt to spend time together. I am still dating the pastor. Our desires and expectations are simpler now though – holding hands while having a coffee takes on a much deeper meaning than spending a whole day together may have in the past. Our time is valuable and there are often many things and people vying for it all at the same time. By choosing to purposely spend time together we are choosing to be faithful to the person God has given to us.
