“What! When? Yikes! O.K. OH NOOOOOOO! MY PASTOR’S WIFE IS COMING FOR TEA!”
Question: Did I deep clean my home and bake my favourite treats for her arrival and was I on my very best behaviour (an excruciatingly difficult thing)?
Answer: Yes, I did and yes, I was!
Question: Did I pass the examination? Who knows. Probably not but I hope so.
Do many people think this way? I think so and I think it’s alienating to put our pastor’s wives in this position in the first place. This is not my scenario but one I have seen many times. I am not easily intimidated by a title. When I meet with someone, I search for the humanity of a person. Life is too short to waste time putting up unrealistic barriers. I prefer to build a relationship by taking the time and making the effort to do so. Trust, honesty, and vulnerability (and many other qualities), are the building blocks of a healthy interaction. This does not instantly happen. It takes many visits and a willingness to accept the two-way street of a friendship.
In getting to know my dear friend Sue** (yes, my pastor’s wife), I was struck with the enormous responsibility she carries to fulfill the demand of a pastor’s wife. How she is viewed by her congregation is stressful and filled with pressure. She is either pedestalized by inappropriate expectations or she is destroyed by them. She has to look a certain way. Speak a certain way. Have the exact perfect Bible verse instantly ready at all times. Be ready at a moment’s notice or no notice at all, to serve a wonderful meal and/or treats. Be ready to serve on committees and ministries of all kinds, not to mention carrying a part or full time job. Ready, ready, ready.
What kind of life is that? Whew! I’m exhausted just by writing it all down and I’m sure I’ve left something out. Do I see the warning signs of burnout? Oh, that’s not allowed either! How can anyone be running this kind of marathon and be so alone with expectations that are so isolating? Let’s not forget that as long as these expectations are satisfactorily met, all is well. If not, it is a phenomenon to observe a congregation put the axe to work. Many of us have seen how quickly a congregant can fall out of favour. Can this make developing a close personal relationship risky? Yes, it does.
Whatever happened to two women just visiting and chatting in a safe place where none of that exists? Friends, accepting each other’s strengths, weaknesses, skills, gifts and above all FAITH? We are jugglers, managing family, careers, church life, and everything in between. We crave mutual respect, kindness, and heartfelt appreciation for each other. That two-way street I mentioned earlier. Do we seek this out? Do we make the time? Do we feel safe to do so?
I can’t remember when it occurred to me that Sue and I had become friends. How many times we laughed and cried together in stormy and fair weather. How many wonderful walks, talks, coffees and recipe exchanges we shared. How many family dinners we enjoyed. And most importantly, how often we prayed for each other and our families. How often we prayed with each other. We just grew from one moment to another. It took a few years but was well worth waiting on the Lord to put it all together. Then, low and behold, a dearly valued woman and her family, I forever cherish.
Our friendship is a real life thing and a blessing.
Here’s to the true Love of Christ. Amen!
**Name has been changed to protect confidentiality