A FaithFULL Ministry Marriage

I will never forget my introduction to one of the ladies from the first church in which we served as a young married couple. I was doing my pastor’s wife thing, chatting with people during the coffee time in between the service and Sunday school. I hadn’t met this lady yet and because she was a tall, dark, striking woman—very unlike all the other very light-skinned people in the congregation—I was very curious to meet her.

I began by introducing myself. “Hi, I’m Wendy; Mark, the pastor’s wife”, as if she didn’t already know that considering we were the only new ones in the small-town church. Though I stated the obvious to her she grinned, revealing bright white teeth in a gorgeous and open smile. Right away I felt at ease until she responded to my introduction not by offering her first name but by saying, “Oh…you’re the one whose job it is to seduce the pastor!”

I rolled with the comment, chuckling along to try to hide my shock at such a statement, but I confess I’ve thought about what she said a lot over the years and have been blessed by the wisdom of that rather unconventional response to the introduction of myself as the pastor’s wife.

My grandmother, a pastor’s wife for over sixty years of ministry and more than seventy in marriage, puts it a different way. She shared this with me recently: “I was taught to always take care of my husband. My mother always said ‘he was the head of the household; he was first under God’ and should be cared for with love, making a good marriage.  Mine has never strayed from home or looked at other places as more enjoyable for over 70 yrs.”

The best ministry marriage protection is to make your marriage a priority and not give your husband any reason to go looking anywhere else, because he has what he needs right where he is.

That said, the unique pressures and challenges of a ministry marriage call us as pastors’ wives to be especially mindful of a few practical principles we can apply in day-to-day life as a married couple.

We can have a faithFULL marriage if we 1) Fortify our marriage, 2) Unite to make it a priority, 3) Love God first and 4) Leave it in God’s hands.

First we must FORTIFY our marriages by putting guards in place.

I am an extrovert and I have found that sometimes my friendliness can be misinterpreted, so I have to be careful that my conversation doesn’t become too familiar with men of any age. I even had an eighty-year-old man I was witnessing to in my morning walk in our little town become awkward when he misunderstood my intentions through our conversations.

No matter the age, our relationships with men other than our husbands need to be above reproach and wise, trusting the Spirit’s leading.

A number of times men in our congregation have approached me for conversation regularly and I get that uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t right. We need to trust those instincts. A couple of times when I have had those feelings of caution, I have learned that these men were either struggling in their marriages currently or had in the past. I don’t want to cause them to stumble.

Always, always err on the side of caution and leave the ministry to men to your husband and the other men in the church. Pray privately for the men you know are struggling, as a sister, but don’t give any other encouragement, to avoid setting them up for stumbling. I never hug men unless they are my grandparents age, and even then…don’t forget my personal evangelism story.

On the flip side, my husband never meets alone with a woman unless there is at least one other staff person in the building, and some women who are seeking help we counsel together in our home. I also try to never put myself in a position where I am alone with any other man besides my husband in the church building. My husband had a friend once who always reminded him as a single man that the appearance of propriety is as important as propriety itself, and we’ve sought to hold to that principle in our ministry lives.

Second, our marriages can be FaithFULL when we UNITE to make them a priority. As my grandmother said, your husband won’t go looking other places if he is satisfied at home. Of course, there are exceptions to this, and if your husband has allowed sin to creep in that has drawn him away from you even though you have prioritized him, my heart goes out to you sister. He will need to be held to account as all of us must be. Be sure to get help from godly, trusted people if this is your situation.

Be united in the priority of making time for each other. Find creative ways to connect emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually and God will bless and strengthen you. Texts and emails are a great way to stay connected all throughout the day to encourage each other and pray for each other. Some great books we’ve read have also encouraged couples to schedule love-making right into your calendar at all times of the day if necessary—whatever it takes to remain connected and to strengthen your intimate bond with one another.

It’s also important to know your man and love him for who he is. If he feels loved by you as you minister grace to him through cooking his favorite meals, supporting him through giving sermon ideas, listening when he’s down, buying that small gift to show you are thinking of his interests, then your intimacy and love for each other will grow. Serving him in love for the unique person he is will unite you and give fullness to your relationship.

But what if my husband begins to show a lack of interest in me even if I do all these things, you may ask? What if he’s so preoccupied with ministry stresses or is unwell or depressed and no matter what I do he either isn’t able to or doesn’t seem to have as much interest in me? To have a faithFULL marriage, we also need to LOVE our God first and foremost.

I have to remember when I’m tempted to be peeved at my husband’s lack of something or other, or when there are seasons when our time with one another is crunched and we feel disconnected, that Only God will meet my needs; HE is the Lover of my soul, and my deepest longings for intimacy will only be met ultimately in Him. Trying to make my husband my god has only led to frustration for both of us, leaving me discontent and causing me to run after lesser gods. When I feel that temptation, I have to guard my heart and mind and fill it with the truth of Who He is and run into His presence for filling so that He can enable me to be faithful to my God and my marriage.

That leads us to our final focus for having faithFULL ministry marriages. We must LEAVE our marriages in God’s hands. Prayer is the most important thing we can do to fortify our marriages. It will unite us as one and give us what we need to love each other and God first and foremost. When I feel my husband and I are disconnecting, I pray God will bring us together. I pray God’s protection over his thoughts and actions. I pray that I will love God first and not try to meet my needs in the wrong way.

Once when I studied the fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23) I was challenged as I studied the word used for the fruit of faithfulness. The Greek word used for this is pistis which is the word used for faith most often in the New Testament. So it does not just mean to be steadfast or committed but to simply have faith and trust in God. Faith is our gift from God for salvation and for our daily sanctification in our lives. We must be full of faith that God will protect our marriages as we commit to Him, to our husbands, and to making prayer for our relationship a priority.

A great way to do this is to pray Scripture for our husbands. Check out the links to these past blogs from our Flowers Team for ways to pray Scripture for your husband. (Give links to prayers for our marriages—July 29, 2019; October 14, 2019; May 17, 2019)

Women, even as pastor’s wives we can have faithFULL marriages if we remember these principles to fortify our marriages, unite to preserve them, love God first and leave our marriages in His capable hands. The fullness we have received from God will overflow to others and will bless Him, multiplying our ministry even more. So…in the words of my wise parishioner, get out there and “seduce your pastor”!