TRIGGER WARNING: This article addresses trauma commonly experienced by pastors and their families. If you have had a traumatic experience within the church walls, please read with caution and with permission to care well for yourself afterward. Call a friend. Take time to journal. Breathe deeply. And please, reach out for further support when needed.
“You went behind our backs!” His face, just inches from mine, was contorted as he yelled in anger and hatred.
His boney finger was even closer to my face as he stood above me reaching across the board room table. ”You don’t get to do that just because you’re the pastor’s wife!”
I was stunned silent, unable to think, move, or respond as I searched my brain for what I could possibly have done that would have given reason for this man’s anger. I could think of nothing.
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I smiled and said a quick “hello” to my co-leader from my church’s women’s ministry group.
Instead of her usual smile in return, she stared blankly for a minute and then looked the other way without a word.
I’d been concerned something might be wrong with her for a couple of weeks, but not wanting to jump to conclusions, I had dismissed these concerns and chalked it up to her just being busy.
This woman had been one of my biggest cheerleaders in the months leading up to this point and we’d been excitedly planning the up-coming year’s ministry direction. This silent treatment was sudden and personally hurtful.
Two other women on our ministry team did the same thing that same Sunday – and for the remainder of the time I worked with them.
When I tried talking to them, they would look right through me and act like I wasn’t there.
When I tried texting, nothing.
When I tried dropping my kids off for junior church, they physically turned their backs on me.
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“You can’t go in there.” This voice was firm, though I honestly can’t remember who said it.
I watched as they took my husband into a room full of people surrounding a singular chair. I could only imagine that chair was for him.
As I waited on the steps outside the boardroom, I heard, “You don’t work here anymore. Don’t worry about coming in tomorrow. We’re changing the locks and you’ll have to call the secretary to schedule when you can come and get your things.”
Treated like a criminal with no ability to ask questions, to hear an accusation, or to give a response. We were locked out of the very place that was like our second home, given no access to our own belongings.
For what? We could only ever guess, and still do.
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Fast-forward several years and I now have the honor of working with ministry-impacted women who have endured similar pains, and more:
- Physical abuse to their children at the hands of church leaders
- Bugging of their parsonage house as church power players try to “get dirt” on the family
- Public humiliation and mocking by church leaders and fellow staff members
- False accusations
- Homes broken into by church leaders while the pastor’s family is on vacation
- Salary being withheld as leverage on the pastor
- Experiencing forced termination with threats of no severance pay if they spoke to anyone about the termination
- Secret meetings against the pastor (or his wife)
Isolated.
Attacked.
Bullied.
Lied to.
Betrayed.
Whether experienced one time or in an on-going fashion, these situations have potential to do great harm when left unprocessed and unresolved.
This is church trauma.
“Trauma” is not just a current trendy buzz word. Trauma is a real and common experience in ministry life due to high stress, low support, and on-going exposure to other people’s pain. Aside from our own personal traumas, a main part of our pastoral families’ job is to respond to and help carry other people through their own deepest moments of pain. This is a perfect storm for the onset of secondary trauma or compassion fatigue. (It is common knowledge in the mental health field that ministry leaders experience secondary trauma at rates slightly higher than emergency responders, frequently having no way to process their experiences. To read more on this, please check out THIS RESEARCH and THIS PASTORAL ARTICLE.)
Trauma is any situation, perceived or real, in which one loses their choice and voice and feels their survival is threatened (basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, as well as life/death). It can be a single or ongoing event and is characterized by intense fear, horror, and loss of control. Trauma is not only what happens to us, but what doesn’t happen to us, and should (i.e. emotional neglect and connection).
The results of trauma are significant and impact our bodies, minds, and souls, rendering us fearful, hyperalert, critical, resentful, frozen, feeling like we’re going crazy, and often shells of our once excited-to-serve-the-Lord selves.
Put simply, trauma changes the way we see ourselves, others, and God.
As pastor’s wives, we long to love and serve others well, and often attribute the impact of trauma in our negative feelings and sensations as evidence of lack of faith, sinfulness, or as being completely self-centered. We think we ought to just get over ourselves.
Thus, we ignore ourselves, dismiss our pain, pray harder, confess the resentment more, ask for forgiveness again, and live in perpetual cycles of shame, fear, and guilt all the while claiming, “There is, therefore, now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.“ (Romans 8:1).
The Struggle of Church Trauma
Historically, the impact of church trauma has been unrecognized, dismissed, denied, or labeled as “being unfaithful,” a “sin” issue. What’s more, many have even believed it to be something we all have to endure as “good Christians.”
Further, in many denominations, if the pastor’s family tries to seek help to process the impact of this trauma (PTSD, stress, burnout, compassion fatigue, marital strife, etc.), they are seen as unfit for ministry life.
So the pastor and his family suffer in silence, afraid to reach out for the very support they desperately need.
Leading trauma expert, Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., defines trauma as, “not the story of something that happened back then, but the current imprint of that pain, horror, and fear living inside…” (The Body Keeps the Score)
The past is really not just “in the past.”
The reality is, if the event is unprocessed and unresolved, it is something you carry into every conversation, situation, relationship, and church in which you serve.
You cannot outrun the impact of any trauma, church or otherwise.
The Hope
If you have experienced church trauma (or other types), are living it now, or have recognized there are some areas of pain which may need your attention to work through now, you are not alone.
And you are not without hope.
Into the pain of the first trauma, The Fall, God stepped in and made a way for this pain and death to be conquered. Into the plight of our human condition, God sent His perfect son to be our Hope. In Luke 4, Jesus introduces Himself to the church leaders of the day by reciting from the prophecy found in Isaiah 61. It says,
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives,and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.
Jesus came to be with us making a way for healing and restoration because in this, He is glorified and His name alone is made great.
Next week, we’ll move into how to heal from our church trauma and how to hold space for others who have experienced trauma in the church even if you have not.
ACTION STEP: If you’ve read this article and have identified an area of particular woundedness, we invite you to express that in some way in order to move toward healing. Some ideas to do so would be to journal about it, paint while reflecting over the situation, listen to comforting music, or simply call a safe friend or fellow ministry leader and share a small piece of the hurt. If this seems too much for today, simply turn your palms over and breathe deeply; you can trust the Holy Spirit to communicate your silence to our Abba Father.
Where readers can find me: www.theministrywifecoach.com
BIO: Kristen Joy is a certified Mental Health & Biblical Life Coach passionately serving wounded pastors’ wives who have experienced personal or ministry-related traumas and/or battle chronic life stressors. As a pastor’s kid and pastor’s wife herself, Kristen experienced several acute traumatic experiences as well as church trauma. Through her healing journey, God has restored her joy and called her to use her experiences and trauma-informed education to serve others who are walking on a similar path. Learning to live from a place of rest, Kristen is enjoying working toward becoming a trauma therapist through her master’s program, connecting with God, and finding any quiet space she can in her busy household of 8.