A Series on Church Trauma; Part Two: How to Begin Healing

“That is very painful, I’m so sorry.” 

I’ll never forget the impact of these words the first time I heard them spoken to me.

I’d just spent a good portion of an hour allowing all the frustration, hurt, confusion, rage, shame, guilt, fear, and helplessness (to name just a few of my big emotions) to spill out,  as I could no longer contain it all. 

Just a few weeks earlier I’d found myself with my eyes locked on a large oak tree while driving alone eight months post-forced ministry resignation/termination. Tears were streaming down my face, and a deep, uncontainable moan was coming out of me. At that moment, images from all the years growing up in and then serving the Church flashed at lightning speed through my mind. Pictures of people’s faces…looks of contempt…abandonment of friends… images of my husband, defeated, his head in his hands as he wept. In my mind, I heard sound clips of harsh words, unrealistic demands and accusations. Everything flying through my mind served as a reminder of what seemed like a waste; defeat and purposeless pain seemed to sum up my existence of life spent in the Church.  

The pain was so great. 

It had seemed a better solution to just end the pain, and crashing into a tree at 65 mph would surely do that.

Thankfully, the Lord snapped me to attention, and I took my hands off the wheel momentarily so I wouldn’t do anything life-altering. Regaining focus, I drove to our third-house-in-six-months home and began shakily reaching out for professional help. 

When I finally arrived in the therapist’s office a few weeks later, her eyes of compassion, lack of condemnation, and words of validation and comfort washed over my wounded heart like water in a dry desert. 

Thus began the process of healing. 

In my own healing, and in my work walking alongside many other pastors’ wives and other wounded Christian women, here are three keys that must be present to begin healing.

#1: Compassion 

Can you recall a recent time when someone looked at you with compassion in his or her eyes? What about your first memory of receiving compassion or comfort? In their excellent book, How We Love, Christian therapists Milan and Kay Yerkovich talk about the importance of receiving comfort and mention three elements of comfort: touch, listening, and relief. It is important to note, when we experience true compassion and comfort, we will always find relief. 

As a Christian mental health professional, I always want God’s Word to form the foundation of my outflowing practice and therefore look to Scripture to better understand how God has designed us to move through life, even the painful parts. It is important that we understand how God truly sees us and how we can then rightly see Him. Though I shouldn’t be, I’m continually surprised at what compassion and delight God truly has for me. When I experience God’s delight and comfort over me, I find relief and healing begins to work its way through me. 

Consider these important scriptures:

Psalm 18:19 He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

Psalm 103:8, 13-14 The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.…As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. 

(Consider also reading/meditating/praying through Ezekiel 34:11-16; Isaiah 61; and Romans 8:38-39.)

Our Abba Father is not disappointed in you. He’s not angry with you. He’s not sitting with His arms crossed in contempt or disapproval thinking of you. 

No, dear Sister, please hear this one thing: God is delighted in you and He knows your frail humanity. He smiles at your efforts; He is pleased with you!

It’s His kindness and compassion that led Him to send Jesus for our rescue so He could be with us! Compassion is a key element to healing, and God offers it freely to you and me.

#2: Expression of Pain

You cannot heal, unless you feel. 

Another foundational truth to healing is found in the way our whole body operates in connection with itself. Though we often separate the spiritual from the rest of our bodies and lives–a trait you’ll recognize as similar to the Gnostics in early Church days–the truth is that our “brains” actually exist throughout our body through cellular-level connections and our autonomic nervous system. This is important because we must understand that we can’t only “pray our way” out of pain or simply “think more positive thoughts” and be healed. Although prayer and meditation on God’s Word are vital parts of a healthy relationship with God, taken alone, these won’t expel the pain that builds up in our physical body.  

God gifted us a path of healing by designing our bodies to express and expel pain. One way this is demonstrated in Scriptures is through the use of lament.  

Psalm 13:1-2 

“How long, O Lord? … How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart?…Consider and answer me, O Lord my God.” 

Laments include several parts, but a complaint is the main component. Here David laments that God has abandoned Him. Have you ever felt this way? I certainly have! Instead of getting an angry lecture that says, “How dare you complain to me!” David receives healing; he receives relief from his pain. God is the One Who can do something about our situation, and He delights in doing so.

Lament is a process you can do right in your own home. Try journaling a lament by beginning with your main complaint against God. Does He feel distant? Do you feel forgotten? Does all seem hopeless? If so, tell Him this! You’re in good company with a host of other godly men and women who have gone before you. If this process of lament seems foreign to you, try mirroring David’s lament and end with your own affirmation of trust in God.

#3: Support

The exchange between Moses and Jethro is one of my favorite passages that speaks to the need for pastors’ families to seek and receive help from others.

Exodus 18:1-9 explains that Jethro came to visit Moses after the Israelites’ big deliverance in crossing the Red Sea. During this visit, Jethro has the opportunity to observe Moses’ everyday life. 

This is what he sees:

The next day Moses sat to judge the people, and the people stood around Moses from morning till evening (Exodus 18:13).

Jethro responds to this, saying, “What is this that you are doing for the people? Why do you sit alone, and all the people stand around you from morning till evening?” (v. 14).

I can almost hear the interchange now. Have you ever had your in-laws question your seemingly righteous pastoral commitments? Yikes!

Moses breaks into an answer I have heard a thousand times before from modern-day ministry workers (vv. 15-16), “Because the people come to me to inquire of God; when they have a dispute, they come to me and I decide between one person and another, and I make them know the statutes of God and his laws” (italics added). 

Isn’t Moses important? Doesn’t he do good, godly work?

Instead of the approval he may have been anticipating, Jethro delivers a strong rebuke (vv. 17-18): “What you are doing is not good. You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone” (italics added).

We were never meant to make decisions, continually hear hard stories, and serve alone. And this doesn’t just mean we need more volunteers! Taken in the context of the entirety of God’s Word, it means we need support in our own lives. We need space to express our pain, receive comfort, and find a safe, wise, listening ear (i.e. Proverbs 20:5, 11:14).

Having trusted support people is essential to loving and serving others well in ministry life. These supporters can be friends, confidantes, prayer partners, and, yes, even (especially!) professional helpers, when life in ministry has become overwhelming. 

So let me ask, who do you have as support in your life and who might need to be added to that list in order to support you in your current needs?

ACTION STEP: 

Of the three elements to beginning healing: compassion, expressing your pain, and finding support, which do you most need today? If you can, choose one and simply ask God to bring to mind just the right next step to move you toward meeting that need this week. Meditate on the following Scriptures for further comfort and encouragement: Exodus 3:7-8; Psalm 13.

FOR FURTHER SUPPORT: 

If you have experienced deep wounding in ministry and need a safe place to reach out, feel free to contact me through my website https://theministrywifecoach.com. You are also invited to a workshop (including a Q&A time) to address trauma in ministry on Saturday, February 18, hosted by the Flowers team. Watch the Flowers Community Facebook Group Page for details: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1651074788532765 . 

 

.