If you’ve ever bench pressed, or even watched someone else bench press, then you know the importance of having a trustworthy spotter. This spotter is someone the lifter can depend on to stand close by at all times in order to catch the weight if it becomes too much to bear. A dropped weight could seriously injure or even suffocate the lifter.
In much the same way, my experience as a pastor’s wife has taught me the importance of a pastor having a trustworthy spotter to help bear the burdens of ministry. Ministry burdens come at pastors at all times, in all shapes and forms, with no respect for time, energy, or emotional capacity. Sometimes, it just becomes too much to bear alone.
When my husband is struggling under the weight of ministry burdens, I can be there for him as an emotional and spiritual spotter. As his wife, I am his natural confidant—his safe place to share things that he can’t share with anyone else, a safe place to vent frustration or to bounce off ideas, to work through emotional struggles, or to unload discouraging information.
I think the role of confidant is an often overlooked aspect of being a pastor’s wife, yet it is such an important one. Galatians 6:2 (ESV) says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” When those burdens threaten to suffocate my husband, I need to help bear the weight alongside him.
This often means listening to the difficult things that people tell him so that he doesn’t have to bear that knowledge alone. Sometimes it means offering advice on how to counsel someone. Other times we cry together over the brokenness all around us. Often he just needs someone to listen, without giving any advice, to relieve the crushing weight of it all. It means I need to be there to support him in carrying these burdens, and ultimately, to support him in bringing these burdens to Christ as we pray together for God’s healing, comfort, and guidance for ourselves and for others.
I still remember the speech my high school gym teacher gave us when we were beginning weight training. She drilled into us the importance of a trustworthy spotter. When we were spotting, we had to be committed to the task of catching that weight if necessary.
As my husband’s confidant, it is crucial that I am completely trustworthy. Many of the burdens he is asked to bear in ministry come in the form of confidential knowledge. My husband doesn’t share every single piece of information with me (nor should he), but he often seeks my opinion and advice in difficult situations. Doing so means he trusts me to have absolute discretion.
Having absolute discretion is difficult in any circumstance, but even more so in a small-town or small-church setting. I must be a confidant who can hear information without spreading it around or treating people differently. In a small church, where all too often everyone knows everyone’s business, confidentiality is hard to maintain. People will ask me if I know about a certain situation, and I have to say, “That isn’t something I can talk about.”
In all honesty, it’s tempting to want to avoid certain people connected to difficult situations. However, in a small church, avoidance isn’t an option, and it probably isn’t the best choice no matter the church size. Instead, I have to determine beforehand that I will respond to certain individuals with the love of Christ, in spite of what I now know about their circumstances or decisions.
As important as my role is, I need to always remember that I can’t fix things or give the ultimate help that my husband needs. Relying completely on me as a spotter would be pointless, because, just as my husband isn’t strong enough to hold these burdens alone, I’m not strong enough to take them from him.
I can help carry them, but we both need to remember the promise Christ gives us in Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV), “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I am so glad Christ is here to carry our burdens. Yes, I need to be willing, available, and trustworthy to help my husband carry his burdens as his confidant, but it is a daunting task and impossible without Christ. If we turn to Him, He can give us the strength and rest we need to endure and even overcome.
Great Blog and so applicable. I The weight lifting spotter concept nailed the idea of PW’s spiritually spotting our husbands but also realizing we need the Lord’s help not to be crushed under that weight. Appreciated your statement, ‘I must be a confidant who can hear information without spreading it around or treating people differently.’ Both ways are important!
Thanks Denna! The “not treating people differently” part is on ongoing challenge that I have to keep giving over to God!
Not treating, or thinking differently about people when you know about a situation is a challenge! I continually have to tell myself to check my thoughts about someone before it affects my attitude or actions towards them.
Thanks, Tobi, for this relevant post! So much here to think on, and you have expressed perfectly the challenge of being a pastor’s confidant. I have always found it challenging to know so much about people in our church and yet “pretend” as if I don’t and treat them with grace. It is part of the burden we care being in leadership with our husbands, but I’ve learned it is a privilege, too, to help others carry their burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ as you pointed out from Galatians. May I be a trustworthy confidant!