Course Correct from Marital Disconnect

I’ll never forget watching some friends of ours share an intimate moment together laughing, kissing, and bantering; and I thought, “Wow, it’s been a long time since we’ve done that.” This was disturbing.

Yet, even more disturbing were the thoughts of dismissal that came next in my head because I really didn’t care. Our marriage was intact, our lives were fine, and, in the grand scheme of things, our marriage was probably winning awards compared to the rest of society.

But then (and you know how this works) that still, small voice, with all the love there could ever be, came alongside and reminded me that coasting through my relationship with my husband was not what I wanted. It’s not what God wanted for our marriage either.

Our marriage had gotten off course into territory we never intended but completely allowed. It was time for realignment. Counselors are rarely on hand for pastors and their wives, so we have had to lean on God and His Word immensely to guide us through these paths of disconnect. Along the way I’ve come to learn these not-so-simple steps that God has taught me over the years:

1. Admit the Disconnect. It’s easy to respond to marital disconnect with attacks like “you don’t kiss me like you used to” or “we never talk anymore” or “you only care about the church.” Ouch! Stay away from using those attacks! You’ll only add to the cycle of disconnect, which is exactly the opposite of what you both need. Instead, tell your husband the loneliness you feel and how you miss him. You may be surprised to discover that he feels the same way. Keep it simple; focus on the truth instead of everything you feel. Many women like to talk; however, using a lot of words to explain yourself only takes away from the effectiveness of those words, especially for our tell-it-like-it-is men.

For when there are many words, they increase futility. What is the advantage for man? Ecclesiastes 6:11

 

2. Confess Your Failings. Our natural response is to point a finger. We think, “He’s the busy pastor; he’s the one that isn’t taking time; he’s the one…” If I don’t take a hard look at myself and my own contributions (or lack thereof) to my marriage, then really, we both lose. Maybe you’ve been distracted, taking on too much, holding onto bitterness, or setting up your husband for failure. Whatever it is, seek God first and ask Him to show you your own failings in your marriage. If you don’t see anything, take a step back and keep examining. Then, confess and ask for forgiveness from your husband. I said not-so-simple ways, didn’t I?!

For if anyone considers himself to be something when he is nothing, he is deceiving himself. But each person should examine his own work, and then he will have a reason for boasting in himself alone, and not in respect to someone else. For each person will have to carry his own load. Galatians 6:3-5 HCSB

 

3. Love in Action. We all know and can spout off that love is a choice. But doing it? Yeah, that’s another thing. You know what makes your husband tick. You know how to bless him just like you know how to bother him and wound him. I know that if I reach out and touch my husband, even in a slight way, I communicate to him that I love him and I’m there for him. Easy right? Nope. I often have to force myself because of the battle waging war in my own heart. Choose to break the cycle of disconnect with your husband even if he doesn’t deserve it. Do that thing that you know your man loves. Make him that meal, wear that non-pajama outfit, praise his achievements, and choose to love your man by showing him respect because God commanded us to be respectful.

…and the wife is to respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33b

 

4. Relinquish to God. What if these things don’t work? What if the disconnect is too deep and cannot be affected by your efforts alone? Maybe you’re already there; maybe you’ve been striving and fighting for your marriage. This one is the hardest of all, because we have to ask God to do the heavy lifting. We have to lay our marriages at His feet and ask Him to do His thing, even when His thing is not what we think it should be. Yet, we can know that it is best. He is in control, and He loves us. Be faithful to Him; trust Him. Allow him to grow you and your man in the process. This is another not-so-simple way to reconnect with your man, but it is so worth it.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.” [This is] the Lord’s declaration. “For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

 

Just a few weeks ago, my husband and I were experiencing an intimate funny moment with each other in the presence of someone else. This person later asked, “What’s your secret to laughing like that?” Do you know what I said?  “You’re already halfway through the first step!”

We have waged war against the desire for selfishness that tries to consume our hearts and our love for each other. While the battle is not over, and won’t be over until we die, the growing amount of laughing, talking, and bantering definitely eases the trials of dying to myself and choosing to love my husband.