Depression: The False Friend (My Story)

My story of depression begins at the age of 19. I had entered my freshmen year of Bible college grieving the loss of my baby sister. Deciding that being the perfect student would aid in that endeavor, I soon added anorexia and isolation into the mix. This was the first time – the first time – Depression stole the joy set before me and invited my weakened heart into her grasp . . .

Depression is a fickle “friend.” She comes in your greatest hours of need speaking a mix of self-satisfying and self-deprecating thoughts to draw you away from the reality you feel, and she pulls you deeper away from those you love. For those you love (you believe) are the ones who bring the sorrow in your life…no wait…you bring sorrow to theirs. They will be better apart from you . . . right? . . . No wait, is that right? The fog in your brain seeps deeper into the pit as you reject the very thought of a God who could love you unconditionally. Your wrongs are too many, your sins too great. As though the heart works mechanically, you shut off the valve of love. Depression wants you to do it. She tells you it will make everything feel better. Love brings pain, she says. Devotions with the Lord, evenings with your family, coffee with friends . . . who needs that kind of drama? Time passes and she holds you closer, but it is no longer a feeling of warmth or indulgence. Her hugs are hurting now. Even the smallest moments of difficulty have grown. They are mountains of hardship born out of a life shut-off to love, unable to give or receive grace. And what is life without grace?

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10

 

Somewhere in the midst of my college years, I began breaking under those unbearable mountains. There was too much sadness. Too much fear. But then God . . . God in His grace, rescued me as He so beautifully does. His grace shown powerfully through the darkness and I could no longer deny His love for me. It was undeserved grace that had never failed and had never changed even through my rejection of it. His grace brought me counselors and my future husband to encourage me in right thinking.

Over and over, each and every day I would repeat the words of Philippians 4:8. “…Whatever is true.” Truth was a choice presented. However, choosing truth would mean choosing to admit that my new “friend” of depression was wrong. Choosing truth would break down the mountains of isolation that I had built to protect myself. Oh but, choosing truth would place me in the loving arms of the One truly in control and break the bonds of Depression’s lies. By God’s grace, my heart began to see truth and the fog began to lift. Yet, as clouds have penchant to do, they would roll in yet again.

It was years later that our family would find itself in the middle of ministry changes we never wanted. Moving from a city in which I thrived to a small-town in which I felt isolation, brought the temptation to fall once again into the ever-waiting arms of Depression. She even had the audacity to lurk in the frays of my pregnancies. Haunting me in the months of waiting and gripping my heart with fear after the birth of my precious children. In a time that should be filled with joy, her lies would whisper loudly in my head grasping to pull me closer once again into her folds. But therein lies the beauty of God’s grace. As He faithfully loved me and as I continually chose to accept that love (blindly in the darkness), the offers from Depression became less attractive. His grace became my hope. His love became my strength. Depression became the enemy.

She still lurks in the shadows. Yet, her draw is weaker now. I might, in my foolishness give her a day, even a week before the truth of what she is becomes clear in my heart. I will not pretend that depression is a struggle that will forever be resolved in my life. Yet, I will ever be grateful that God used such a darkness to reveal His light and the false love of a fickle “friend” to reveal the the true love of a gracious Father.

Next Week: Depression and Self-Counseling: Remembering the Light of Truth in the Darkest of Times