Do you feel the pain of your pride? The insidious, creeping thoughts,
“Did they notice that I was cleaning the church bathrooms?”
“Why don’t people realize how serious church is and serve more?”
“I’m glad my toddler didn’t melt down until after church because that would be embarrassing.”
Desires to be noticed, to come off as put together, and ironically enough, the desire to be known as a servant, bring thoughts we would never want people to know – ever.
There is one thing though, that is worse than these pernicious, creeping thoughts that shame us. They are the pernicious, creeping thoughts that cause us no pain – that is when you know that pride has taken a deadly grip in your life, when your pride no longer causes you pain.
I hate the pain of pride, the thoughts I wouldn’t want anyone to know. It hurts to see how dark my own heart can be. But really this is grace, to mine out the muck of sin that resides deep in my heart, to walk in repentance one thought at a time.
All of this brings such a different perspective when people and circumstances cross me. All of the offenses and annoyances and inconveniences are chipping away at my internal dialogue that I deserve better, can do better, just am better. They are dipping into the dark well of my heart and pulling out the things I cringe to see in the light of day. What’s missing so often in this process is my active participation at the well. I want to shove things back down, hide the bucket behind the well, ignore what is coming up, or decorate the muck to make it look better, and I miss the opportunity for deep soul transformation. Sometimes I miss it because my pride doesn’t want to look at the muck, and sometimes I miss it because I’m not as spiritual as I like to believe I am, and I’m focusing on a hundred things other than sin that needs to be dealt with.
Facing your pride is painful, especially if your pride is rooted in your service. We want to have a reputation for service, and we forget that Jesus, “made Himself of no reputation.” (KJV) That sounds purposeful, not accidental, and that makes me think that besides repenting of my prideful thoughts, Jesus wants me to build bricks of unseen service, to do small acts of service that no one else will ever know. Doesn’t that make sense when I think of verses like Matthew 6:1, “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them.”? This seems to be the pattern, I forsake my prideful thoughts, and when I’m free from pride I’m free to notice the needs around me, and then I fill the need as quietly as possible. It’s all so simple, and I think what really surprises me is how much joy I can picture in day-after-day living in this posture of simple, quiet service.
Taking it Further: What joy could you be missing out on by embracing a life of small, quiet service? How much are you noticing your prideful thoughts, and noticing the needs around you?
