Encouraging Pastors’ Kids to Grow in God’s Image

I don’t know what it is like to grow up as a pastor’s kid. I imagine it can be tough at times. My daughter says, “It’s normal.” and “It’s just like having any other dad.” but she also has no other point of reference with which to compare her experiences. She does not know what it is like to not be the pastor’s kid.

I do understand what it is like to be the mom of a pastor’s kid and it is a job that I sometimes find daunting. Many days I question whether I am up to the task. There is a fine line between placing restrictions and expectations on my daughter’s behaviour and squashing the delight of the natural curiosity and exuberance with which God has gifted her.

If I am honest, I have to admit that I often do place expectations on my daughter based solely on the fact that her dad is the pastor. Recently I caught myself telling her that she needed to set an example with her behaviour. All of the kids were running around after the service and I felt that my daughter was not going to be joining in on the fun. I did not want her running around in the sanctuary and I told her so, but then, when I took the time to think about what I had actually said, I realized I was placing way too much responsibility on my daughter simply because her dad is the pastor.

I believe I actually said something along the lines of, “Your dad’s the pastor. I don’t want you running around like that. You need to show the other kids the right way to behave.” My daughter is seven. Why at the age of seven does she need to be a role model for kids who are twice her age? The reality is, she doesn’t have to carry that responsibility. I was placing that expectation on her.

How self righteous of me and how potentially damaging for my daughter as she grows and explores what it means to be the pastor’s kid. I expect what she actually heard was, “You can’t run and play and have fun like the rest of the kids because your daddy is the pastor. You need to be better than the rest of the kids.” What an effective way for me to make attending church an unpleasant and unhappy experience for my daughter.

First of all, she’s not any better than the rest of the kids. Secondly, the fact that her dad is the pastor should not preclude her from having fun just like the rest of the kids. Granted, I still don’t want her running around in the sanctuary after church but there are much better ways of explaining that to her which are much more appropriate than the damaging words I said in the heat of the moment. Rather than pulling her away from the other kids at church and asking her to not participate, I can wait until we are at home to explain that she needs to be mindful of the fact that some people find kids running around and yelling in the sanctuary to be disrespectful. I can tell her that she is welcome to suggest to the other kids that they go elsewhere in the church, or even outside, if they want to be rowdy. Alternately, I would suggest that she could take a quiet game or some toys to play with if she and her friends wanted to stay in the sanctuary.

Colossians 3:21 says “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged”. The Oxford Dictionary defines the word “provoke” like this: “(to) stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion, typically a strong or unwelcome one) in someone.” Admonishing my child for something that all of the other kids were doing and blaming the reason she could not do it on the fact that her dad was the pastor is a sure way for me to discourage her enjoyment of going to church and learning about God.

As I started to contemplate what I had said, I realized the ungodliness that was inherent in the words I spoke to my daughter. I was not concerned about modeling grace and love to her, but rather my only concern was how her behaviour was reflecting on her dad and me. What would people think about our parenting skills? Shouldn’t the pastor’s daughter be the model of virtue and lady-like behaviour? Was the kid who just ran screeching past me, really the pastor’s kid? Look, the pastor’s daughter is running around and her hair is messy and her socks are falling down. I was transferring my own load of expectations and worry on to my child.

As pastor’s wives we all know the fear of not being “good enough” to fill the role that God has given to us. We all know what it is like to feel that there are too many expectations placed upon how we should or should not act. I don’t want my daughter to feel that way. I don’t want to heap my own insecurities and worries on the shoulders of my child. I want her to know she is enough just as she is – just how God has made her to be. My words should not make her feel that being a pastor’s kid is a negative part of her life.

The rules and regulations I try to enforce on my daughter (and on myself) to make her the perfect pastor’s kid are really just expectations of my own making. I don’t think the other parents are actually concerned about whether my daughter is acting like the poster child for pastors’ kids. I suspect they are just thankful that their kids are safely occupied for a few minutes after church and that gives them enough time to have a coffee and some adult conversation before heading back home.

I’ve decided I need to set a challenge for myself. I’m going to stop placing unreasonable expectations on my daughter because she’s a pastor’s kid. Instead, I’m going to focus on teaching her to model Christ-like behaviour with her friends. When she leaves church I want her to yearn to return, not just to play with her friends, but to learn about Jesus and to live in community with other believers.

Colossians 3:12-15 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” If I’m going to focus on teaching my daughter these godly traits rather than enforcing my own expectations on her, I’m going to have to purposely exhibit them myself. These are God-given expectations, for all of God’s children, and they are expectations with which both my daughter and I can not only live, but thrive as we walk together on the path God has chosen for our lives.

I absolutely believe I need to set helpful boundaries for my daughter, but not because she’s a pastor’s kid. Rather, it is my job to help her grow into a kind, caring woman who lets the love of God shine through her for the world to see.