Previously I shared about God’s heart for marriage and sexuality, rooting our thinking in God’s Word (See “Faithfulness in Marriage and Sexuality: The Theological Foundation”). Applying God’s realities in our hearts and lives begins by reading and understanding Scripture. The Bible presents a clear perspective on how marriage and sex point to God’s redeeming work in the eternal marriage of Jesus Christ and the Church.
Marriage is a common Bible study topic, but sexual intimacy sounds a bit more intimidating—and intriguing! It was a first for my small-town church in 2018 when we saw a bulletin announcement for a Bible study on sex. Before long I was participating in the video and book material called Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making? by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery (2013, Moody Publishers). With a group of married women ranging from a mom with an infant (me!) to retired grandmas, we worked through the study on reclaiming God’s design for sex. (Note: the material can also be done independently.) This week as I share practical encouragement that I have gleaned from a few resources, I invite you to consider how fostering sexual intimacy in your marriage plays a key role in faithfully loving your pastor-husband.
Permission: God Endorses Sexual Intimacy
Valentine’s Day has come and gone but your permission to initiate and embrace romance in your marriage has not! It is important to talk about God’s approval—His endorsement even—for a husband and wife to pursue passion. “Oh, lover and beloved, eat and drink! Yes, drink deeply of your love!” Song of Solomon 5:1 (NLT). In Scripture, the model for building intimacy is the bride in Song of Solomon. The Passion Pursuit study examines the “Smokin’ Hot Mama” (their name for the bride) and the blessing she had from God to proactively captivate and love her husband (38). They write that “becoming a Smokin’ Hot Mama involves partnering with God to reclaim the beautiful gift that sin has distorted. It is holy and right for a married woman to move toward passionate intimacy” (42). With this permission slip in hand, we can begin to jump over the hurdles of our own pain and baggage to embrace the Lord’s blessing on sexual intimacy in our marriage!
Power: The Choice is Yours
Linda and Juli used power as a category of thinking that helped me understand the role I have in positively influencing my marital intimacy. The separate (but interwoven) needs of every husband are respect, companionship, and sex. A wife has the powerful ability to give or withhold each of these things and how she uses her “power in one area of marriage will build or tear down every aspect of intimacy” (24). I am sure you have seen this in your role as pastor’s wife: the way you choose to use your words in public can directly affect the respect your husband feels from you and possibly others. Similarly, our role as wife uniquely qualifies us to “fill these needs in a way no other person can” for our husband (27). By way of example, “forgiveness is a secret, powerful choice that paves the way to deep intimacy” (134). Like forgiveness, our power is often found in the discreet, secret choices we make. How can we reflect the priority of sexual intimacy when we feel short on time and energy? The small but mighty choices in our mind and on our calendar go a long way in building intimacy and being faithful to God.
Passion: Purposeful Pursuit
“His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem,” Song of Solomon 5:16.
It did not take long in my marriage for me to learn that my husband and I looked at sex from different perspectives. It was easy to write off his eagerness for sex as “a guy thing” and I had a really hard time anticipating time together if intimacy was not on my mind beforehand. It was profound to hear our reality put into words when Linda and Juli talked about how “women often see sex as a way to express deep love and appreciation” while men often see sex as a way to build it (51). I realized I was prone to avoiding sex when I did not first feel loved without realizing that “sex also prepares for emotional intimacy” (51). A big step for me in accepting advances and initiating sex was yielding to God’s truth that sex could bring about deep and intimate bonding even when I did not feel already connected with my husband.
Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage wrote a fantastic book called Cherish (2017, Zondervan) where he emphasizes, “learning to truly cherish each other turns marriage from an obligation to a delight” (17). He compares love (think “commitment” and “respect”) with cherish, showing how they complement and even complete each other. For instance, “love puts up with a lot” (20). “[Love] always hopes, always perseveres,” (1 Corinthians 13:7b NIV). On the other hand, “cherish enjoys a lot” (20). “Your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely,” (Song of Solomon 2:14 NIV). When Thomas would ask men how they felt cherished (honoured or noticed) by their wives he said, “the most typical response was, ‘Well, do you want the PG answer or the real answer?’” (59). So, if you are looking for a concrete way to encourage your husband in his ministry, add “hot sex” to your list in bold permanent letters!
Purity: The Commitment to Sacrifice
It would be naïve to think that pastors’ wives are exempt from the sexual trauma, shame, and temptation of past and present experiences. In Rethinking Sexuality: God’s Design and Why it Matters (2018, Multnomah), Christian psychologist Dr. Juli Slattery (also from Passion Pursuit) addresses the sexual pain and chaos we experience in our world and lives, rooting our sexual confusion in spiritual confusion. When addressing marriage she writes, “[w]hen you make a covenant with your spouse, you are committing to continue to choose love, even when it costs” (53). Cherish uses the biblical illustration of cherishing our husbands like he is the only man on earth—our “Adam” (Thomas, 34). We do not always want to make the right choice or use our power to selflessly love our husbands but with God’s help we must fight against all comparing and disappointment and commit to contentment.
Being faithful to God and our husbands in marriage and sexuality will always include sacrifice only Jesus can help us give. We will struggle to move beyond barriers of sin and comfort and use our power to cherish our husbands passionately. Keep studying God’s Word and look into one of these books if it stood out to you. As you walk your journey of faithful intimacy in marriage may you be stirred to pursue passion—again and again!
One more resource:
If you disciple youth/young adults (or have some living at home) I recommend Sex, Dating, and Relationships by Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas (2012, Crossway). These two pastors challenge the church’s subculture (e.g. dating relationships) by “clarifying and applying the Bible’s teaching on sexual purity” (14). Purity is not just a concern for singles though. From this book I learned more about the significance of sexual purity in marriage and my job to control and choose that which I desire.