Maybe you or your kids have seen the movie “Inside Out”. It’s the story of a girl named Riley and all of the feelings that live inside of her mind and memories. Each feeling has a name and character, and the story toggles between Riley’s real life and the story that is running through her mind while life is playing out for her.
The red character is Anger. Joy, who tells the story, introduces him like this: “That’s Anger. He cares very deeply about things being fair.” And when they aren’t fair? Well . . . he explodes—literally. A blow torch-looking burst of fire shoots out of his head, and the screen toggles back to Riley expressing her anger.
Many times I have seen that blow torch of anger shooting out of my PKs as they react to something that relates to our ministry life and role. I have two daughters, ages thirteen and nine. Emotion is a daily event for us, and as pastor’s kids, it feels sometimes like the emotions are compounded for them. But, unfortunately, Anger and often Disgust, Sadness, and Fear visit them much more often than Joy. Just like in the movie, I feel like we are in the battle to keep joy in the forefront.
But . . . I’ve been challenged as I raise my daughters to think about life a bit like the conclusion of this movie. In the end the emotion characters and Riley learn that you can’t have one emotion without the other, that they all work together to make up Riley’s life experiences which define and shape her in a way that wouldn’t have as much meaning if everything was just Joy all the time.
Now, we know as Christians that joy is not merely an emotion, but a fruit of the Spirit that God can give even when we are sad or angry from a human standpoint. So . . . how do we help our PKs hold onto joy?
We’ve tried to teach our daughters in the midst of tough moments when we feel our joy is being stolen to remember Who is in charge, to have a forgiving heart, to know they are not alone and to be thankful for the special blessings we have as a ministry family .
First off, we remind our daughters constantly that no matter what challenges come our way as a ministry family, God is in charge. God will build His church and the gates of Hell cannot prevail against it (Matthew 16:18). Even if people are leaving, we are seeing no new converts and we’re struggling to keep the doors open so that our livelihood is not threatened, we can remind our children that God will build His church, and He will provide for us.
When my daughters get worried about my husband losing his job, we tell them the stories of how God has provided for us in the past, like when Christmas gifts came at just the right time to pay a bill or how God provided a part-time job for me to supplement our income that enabled me to still stay home with my youngest daughter.
Second, we have taught them the importance of preparing their hearts to forgive those who have wronged us, reminding them that most of the time those who target us have misplaced their anger and are broken people who need Christ’s healing.
Every pastor faces enemies in and outside of the church if he is preaching God’s Word. The most difficult times for me as the mother of pastor’s kids have been when I see the heartache in their spirits over how their father has been treated.
We have tried to discern based on their maturity level how much we should share with our daughters, but now that they are older, they are very aware of the mood in our home and church. Subsequently, we have never shied away from their questions and feelings when things are difficult but have been available for them to ask their questions and share their feelings without judgment.
We withhold names as much as possible so that they can attend the church and have positive interactions with the adults and their children with whom our children are friends.
That doesn’t mean our children have been protected from experiencing the same emotions we do. Here is how my thirteen-year-old expressed her frustrations at one point in our ministry lives when my husband was being targeted:
“When your father is in the position where he is and declaring his beliefs every week, it doesn’t matter who it is; guaranteed every family in the church has had some kind of conversation at the dinner table, as a couple, as a family, with friends, or in a meeting about him. Guaranteed. Somewhere. Somehow. Sometime. But what you don’t really know is what exactly they are saying. Some may be have a very good conversation. They like the way your father stands at the pulpit, his calm manner, his encouraging voice, his reflective tones, whatever. But there are also the condemning conversations that your father hears or somehow gets word of…
“Now some go right to the pastor. But the thing that you find yourself dealing with most as a pastor’s kid is how to react when you learn that the family of the best friend that sits next to you in Sunday school is one of them.”
It’s never easy to help our PKs navigate the stickiness of relationships within the church, but we can model a forgiving heart. Some breaches heal this side of heaven; some don’t. But we don’t have to let bitterness steal our joy in serving the Lord. In time we will see the fruit from our faithful love of His people.
When I asked my youngest daughter what bothers her most about being a pastor’s kid she said “That they [the church people] treat you like royalty.” Now, we don’t have our private lives plastered all over the tabloids for everyone to browse while they wait in the grocery store checkout like the royal family, but there is a role that comes with leadership in a community that can be bothersome for PKs.
What we have recently discussed with our daughters is the fact that many other community leaders’ children face the same challenges of having well-known fathers. They are not alone, and God can give them the grace to use that position to bless others. All leaders’ children know what it’s like to have expectations placed on them. We need to let our children know they are loved and accepted by us regardless of the expectations invented by others in the church so they will be able to have peace in their identities as our children above their roles as a PK.
Finally, we should not fail to remind our children of the special blessings that come our way as the pastor’s family. Our girls have received gifts from parishioners just because they are the PKs. We have had renovations done to our home by the people of the church from which our daughters have benefited. They have had missionaries and special speakers in their home for meals and have been privileged to meet them and grow through those experiences.
Both my daughters agree that “knowing everybody” has its advantages, too. Their lives have been greatly enriched because of their positions as PKs. We have seen marriages restored and young couples enter into Christian marriage and people baptized.
I guess it’s a little like the Inside Out characters. At the end “Joy” concludes: “We’ve been through a lot.” and “I think it’s all beautiful.” May our children say the same thing one day about growing up as the pastor’s kids.
