He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
Psalm 40:2
Have you ever felt like you are in “the miry bog” with your husband? Like he needs to be drawn up “from the pit of destruction,” and you are slipping into it with him? Sister, you are not alone. This week and next, our team has come together to offer words of encouragement regarding helping our husbands when they are discouraged and/or depressed.*
First, we want you to know that you are not alone. According to Barna Group’s 2017 study The State of Pastors, 46% of pastors have struggled with depression at some point in their ministry. Also, the numbers of those suffering from depression are higher for smaller churches (250 people or less) versus larger churches.
Your husband, when he suffers from discouragement or depression, is not alone. When you try to minister to him in his suffering, you are not alone. Whether your husband suffers from depression on a greater scale or experiences circumstantial discouragement, you are not alone.
This week we are going to focus on identifying some things which lead to discouragement or depression, because recognizing the causes can be a very important first step.
-
- Criticism/Unrealistic Expectations –This applies to some degree for every pastor in every church. It is impossible to make everyone happy. People, whether they realize it or not, often expect a pastor to be Superman and superhumanly meet all of their needs. Sometimes the criticism is outright and sometimes it is more whispered – both are painful. There are feelings of betrayal when criticism or hurtful words come from leaders in the church or those whom your husband has trusted. The weight of people’s disappointment or harsh judgment can be soul-crushing.
Your husband may even have some people who have become “trigger” people. They have criticized so often that now the mere mention of their names or glimpse of them at church causes immediate stress and anxiety for your husband. - Conflict – Conflict happens in every ministry because we are all selfish, sinful people and peace does not come naturally to us. For our pastor husbands, conflict can be extremely discouraging or depressing as it distracts the church from our purpose of glorifying God. It can also lead to people leaving the church, and our pastor husbands may feel a burden of responsibility, thinking “They left on my watch.”
- Lack of change/growth – Our husbands have been tasked with the job of shepherding the flock, and sometimes the most discouraging thing in the world is those sheep who JUST. WILL. NOT. LISTEN. Our husbands pour their hearts out every week into the work of transforming lives and see no transformation.
- Lack of a safe environment to talk/loneliness – Many pastors feel very lonely. There are few people who understand their burden and few with whom they can truly be open. Many churches do not know how to respond in love to someone who is struggling with depression, to truly support and encourage that person, let alone a pastor struggling with the same. Unfortunately, comments like, “You just need to pray more,” or “You must not be trusting God enough,” are all too common.
When a pastor admits to struggling with depression, it can lead to people distrusting him because they don’t think he should struggle with such things. Understandably then, pastors often don’t feel safe talking with those in their congregation about this. They may feel comfortable talking with other pastors, but may not have a good network of other pastors with whom to talk, especially if they are in a rural community with few other churches nearby. Often, the main person a pastor can be truly open with is his wife. - Spiritual warfare –Scripture reminds us that “the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). “Devour” seems like the perfect word to describe depression. If the enemy can devour a pastor through depression, he can wound an entire congregation. Recently, my husband was preparing a sermon on missions which he knew was an important message for our church. The week leading up to the sermon, he dealt with depression in a way that can only be described as spiritual warfare – it was evident to us both that the enemy was attempting to devour my husband in order to prevent this message from being heard.
- Criticism/Unrealistic Expectations –This applies to some degree for every pastor in every church. It is impossible to make everyone happy. People, whether they realize it or not, often expect a pastor to be Superman and superhumanly meet all of their needs. Sometimes the criticism is outright and sometimes it is more whispered – both are painful. There are feelings of betrayal when criticism or hurtful words come from leaders in the church or those whom your husband has trusted. The weight of people’s disappointment or harsh judgment can be soul-crushing.
Next week we will look at some practical ways to help our husbands when we are in the miry bog with them, but let me leave you with one thing we must do all the time, every time – pray. Cry out to God for your husband, that God would draw him out of the pit of destruction and set his feet on the rock.
Just a Note – Friend, depression is a very serious and often overlooked struggle within ministry. If your husband is experiencing depression, please encourage him to seek help. Yes, seek counsel from God’s Word as a couple, but please also encourage him to seek the help of a biblical counselor and/or doctor as physical ailments and medications can also cause many symptoms of depression.
*This 2-part series is merely a reflection of the experiences of our team here at Flowers for the Pastor’s Wife. Other than statistics mentioned from the Barna Group, this series does not represent a comprehensive survey of the experiences of all pastors’ wives.
