Kristen is one of my many online friends. I value her friendship and partnership in ministry like I value so many of the other women whom I’ve met through the Flowers ministry but whom I have never seen face to face. Even though we have never sat across from one another in the coffee shop, Kristen’s love for Jesus, her compassionate heart and her deep desire to bring healing for pastors’ wives who have experienced trauma come through so clearly.
We met at an online conference for pastors’ wives where Kristen shared her story as a pastor’s wife whose husband experienced a forced termination. Through this experience, Kristen has been inspired to use her coaching ministry to bring healing to other ministry wives in all kinds of challenging circumstances. Just this year she came on our Flowers Board of Reference, and she has been a great encouragement to us all. I hope you enjoy hearing her story.
Where did you grow up? How did where you grew up contribute to preparing you for life in small-town pastoral ministry?
I grew up in rural, central Wisconsin. In the summertime, I’d frequently ride my bike one mile each way to visit my pastor-dad at the church, past horse pastures, corn and bean fields, and an ominous pond from which I was convinced a scum-monster would surely one day emerge and eat me alive while I rode through. This experience endeared me to future ministry work in small towns as I loved the simplicity and slowness that kind of small-town life affords.
Where have you served in ministry? Can you describe the particular culture in those areas and how that affected your ministry there?
We have served in northern Wisconsin, northern Indiana, and central Indiana. In the northwoods of Wisconsin there is a hesitant coldness from many people. Though they speak with the identifiable Northwoods/Yooper accent which makes people smile and chuckle, they can be a hard bunch to really get to know due to the historical cultural German and Norwegian influence. Everyone believes they are “pretty good people,” and thus the need for Christ is often shadowed by good-meaning folk living good-enough lives. The spiritual flavor of north-central Indiana is similar, although they are more apt to wave at you every time you pass. Because of this shared cultural hesitancy, my husband and I knew each place would require significant time cultivating relationships. We were always prepared to be patient with the process. I’m not saying we always did this well (!), but we knew to expect it. For us, it added to our personal isolation and belief that there was no one who would support us. This lie wormed itself into the way we chose to pursue–or rather, NOT to pursue–relationships outside of our church and our marriage.
How did God bring you to a place of serving in small-town/rural ministry? Did you have any sort of “calling” in this? If so, describe the circumstances.
Growing up as a PK, with a relatively positive experience as a young child, I always wanted to be working in ministry. I began dating my husband when he was already pastoring, so it was natural to marry and move forward into ministry. We were open to living in any location but definitely felt more familiar with small towns and hold a lot of small-town values. When we put in resumes, we didn’t consider the location beyond if we felt we fit with the church’s values, and it just happened that we always landed in small towns.
How did God bring you and your husband together to serve in this way?
We originally met at college, and then I began working as a youth leader in his youth ministry. He is almost 4 years older than I, so he had already graduated by this time. After a few years of working together, it was like his eyes were opened (ha), and he realized we’d be really good together. We loved serving in full-time vocational ministry together.
Did you have any particular areas of ministry in which you served in your church and community, and what led you to those decisions?
Though it changed with the seasons and number of children, I usually served in women’s ministry, in music ministry, and in caring for other pastors’ wives or seminary wives. I have always poured more into the leaders–i.e. in women’s ministry, I poured into the leadership and valued developing and empowering women in leadership roles. My experience as a PK probably has a lot to do with this because I know what it’s like to be on the other side. I never want a leader to be without support because it can be so “lonely at the top.” Several churches had people already in the music ministry (my bachelor’s degree is in music performance). These people were often heavily tied to their position, and it wasn’t worth trying to get on the inside of that because it just caused others to feel threatened and devalued. So, I served where I could. I think this worked to develop my writing, speaking, and heart for support roles behind the scenes and, though painful at the time, is part of what shaped what and how I do what I do today.
What has been one of your greatest challenges in this ministry context and how did you persevere in it? What did God teach you through it?
The most challenging ministry experience was our forced exit in 2017. There were no accusations, no concrete reasons given, and my husband had been hired 2.5 years earlier to replace the senior pastor when he retired. We now know this is one of the most common situations to experience a forced exit. Oftentimes there are changes in power dynamics during transitions such as this, and, like marriage, by 2.5 years in, people have had enough time with you to decide if they like how you do something, which demands you’ll give into, etc., etc. The church can just take this opportunity to find a newer, better, shinier pastor to use. God has taught us innumerable things through this exit. First, He’s made His true self known to us. We are far more convinced of the heart of God today than we ever were in ministry. We have far more compassion and grace for people than we ever did then, and we have learned far healthier boundaries that have given us joy inexpressible. Our entire marriage relationship is 180° different than it used to be, and we are much better parents and brothers/sisters in Christ than we were in FT pastoral ministry.
What has been one of your greatest blessings in this ministry context, and how has that affected your perspective of small-town and rural ministry?
In each location, we had a great set of older Christian married couples who took us under their wings. Each couple had their own unique way of speaking life and wisdom into us in a way that helped keep us going in those more difficult moments. The couples also were incredible blessings to our children to teach them how to truly love and experience being loved. This always infused hope into us and reminded us that we always have and always will be serving only for The One. This is all that matters. The masses never do and never did.
If you could give a piece of advice to other rural and small-town pastors’ wives, what would it be and why?
Practice experiencing God’s delight, and from that, learn to set healthy boundaries. These two practices are the only way to continually experience joy and peace that surpasses understanding. We don’t know if we’ll ever be called back into full-time pastoral ministry, but we know we’re eager to use the lessons and practices we’ve gained in a full-time ministry setting if the Lord ever chooses to move us that way again. If you’re reading this and don’t know *how* to experience God’s delight, if you have childhood wounds and past experiences that haven’t been worked through, this is essential on this journey to greater freedom in Christ. I urge anyone struggling with resentment or bitterness in ministry, disconnection with God, marital strife, etc., to seek out professional support because what I often say is 100% true: hope, healing, and joy are all possible! I don’t want any pastor’s wife to miss out on the amazing freedom and goodness of God that is truly hers to have today.
Dear Pastor’s Wife ~ God sees you, He hears you, He loves you, and He is coming for you, even if you may not be able to see it today. Just like the Israelite slaves who cried out for rescue while in Egypt (Ex. 2:22-25), God truly knows, and He is working on your behalf. You do not need to do a single thing better, more effectively, with a better attitude, etc. He just wants your honest heart. The book of Galatians reminds us that it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free, and you are no longer bound by man’s expectations and rules. Resting in HIS finished work on the cross, you can rest in Him and allow HIM to develop His fruit in you (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc.). Rest, dear Sister. Rest. (Matthew 11:28-29)
**Get to know more about Kristen and her coaching ministry at her website: theministrywifecoach.com.
