My husband and I taught a marriage conference this weekend and we prepared some good lessons outlining basic relationship skills: be nice, respond to your spouse, listen, ask for and give forgiveness. I know it doesn’t sound like it’s going to set the world on fire, but marriage ain’t rocket science.
At the conference, there was a table with two young couples: one married less than two years with a baby, and the other newly married. You know what they wanted to talk about? Sex. Yep. Right there in front of couples old enough to be their parents, even their grandparents – they wanted to talk about sex. And specifically what to do when one spouse doesn’t want to have sex.
Now I want to go on record as having no qualms talking about sex. It just wasn’t in my notes and, quite frankly, I wasn’t sure where my pastor-husband wanted to go with it. So when we’d answered a few questions, I glanced out of the corner of my eye at my husband and sagely summarized, “You’ve got to have sex.” And we moved on from there.
You’ve got to have sex. Barring physical disability and prayer, couples need to be having sex regularly. Paul makes that clear in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, but why? Why do we have to have sex? Paul makes it clear that part of it has to do with avoiding temptation, but I think sex plays a much more important role in marriage. When God brings Adam and Eve together in what we can assume is a marriage, what seals the ceremony? Sex. Not a ring or unity candle, not the Wedding March, or the “I dos.” It’s sex, and that means there’s something significant about two people being joined as one flesh.
Sex is an overlooked but integral part of marriage-care for ministry couples. It reaffirms your marriage covenant. It brings a sense of security to a couple that ministers to people who are sometimes critical and stiff-necked . It moves us away from isolation and towards intimacy. It is one spouse saying to another, “I receive you with all of me.” No other relationship holds that kind of healing power.
But what about when you don’t want to have sex? Every marriage goes through times and seasons in which one or both spouses just plain don’t want to have sex. Or life is too crazy and tiring. Or you have a toddler who wants to be in bed with you. Or you have an insomniac nine year old who can’t get to sleep until 11:00 – way past your bedtime.
Create a positive atmosphere for intimacy
- Take time to rest. Ask your husband to help make space for you to recharge your battery before bedtime. This might involve him making dinner, doing the dishes, or getting the kids to bed. During that time do something relaxing that doesn’t involve work.
- Respond to physical touch outside the bedroom. These moments move you towards intimacy before the bedroom door closes, helping to smooth the way.
- Remind yourself that sex and your husband are gifts and receive them with joy by expressing gratitude to both God and him. Say a prayer. Write a note. Speak it aloud. But give thanks.
Feeling stuck in your sexual relationship is totally normal. But, like I told the couples at the conference, you’ve got to have sex. Commit to a certain frequency for a month. Put it on the calendar. Brainstorm unique solutions, like waking up a little earlier when the kids are still sleeping or meeting up during the day while the kids are at school. Whatever you do, work together sacrificially and not as silent combatants locked in a cold war.
Post-Script
If you have found yourself in a cold war over sex, the following questions might help you sort through your feelings and motivations.
What do you gain if you begin receiving your spouse with joy?
What do you lose if you continue to deprive your spouse?
What steps can you take to either initiate intimacy or receive intimacy from your spouse?
