Joy Stealers

Philippians 4:8-9 (ESV)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

 

I understand why God included these verses in His Word. He knows we struggle with our thought life and doubts, with anxiety and lack of peace. Our minds easily wander and focus on the things which steal our joy and our ability to experience God’s fullness and presence in our lives. Here in Philippians 4, He directs our focus back to what keeps us mindful of Him and His will for us. Thinking on these things helps us avoid depression and causes us to depend on God’s truth rather than our emotions and circumstances. 

Thinking back over the years in ministry with Phil, I’ve identified six joy stealers for many ministry spouses. While this list certainly isn’t exhaustive, it most definitely is exhausting. 

I used to think I was the only one who struggled with these issues. But the more stories I’ve heard, the more I’ve come to believe these struggles are not just common, but universal. 

• Hearing others criticize your spouse

 

This is undoubtedly the hardest to accept, but if you’re leaders and in positions of influence, it’s inevitable. You’ve heard it said, “Don’t criticize my husband, that’s my job!”  I don’t like to hear someone find fault with Phil even if I know there might be truth to it. But I have to be careful not to pile on because he may be getting negative feedback from others that I’m unaware of. Mostly, it’s really hard when he’s judged falsely. That hurts. And I can’t fix it. I have to remember that he mainly needs a safe place to vent and process. He doesn’t need me to fix it. So I pray and try to encourage him. 

 

• Lacking boundaries between church life and personal life

 

I had no boundaries when we started ministry. We were young with no children and our time and energy seemed limitless. I thought I should sacrifice for the church. 

Finding the balance between meeting the needs at church and home is difficult and requires evaluating the essential versus nonessential responsibilities. Each day is new and different. That’s why I had to learn the importance of general boundaries. I use to say yes to everything! I can still hear my mother’s voice warning me not to get overextended! She knew better, but for a long time, I didn’t listen. 

Because I never imposed any boundaries, it was hard to separate time on and time off; somehow I didn’t think we could expect much personal time other than our usual day off once a week. When we finally did have children, it was hard to find the balance. I now know boundaries are necessary to insure that I keep my priorities to my family and am able to be a strong role model to my children. There will always be exceptions and necessary interruptions, but I find joy in knowing the difference. 

 

• Getting your spouse’s leftovers

 

As ministry spouses, it’s common to feel that we get each others’ leftovers. We’re busy people, often overextended by caregiving, parenting, working, teaching, studying, counseling, traveling.

One time when Phil arrived home exhausted, and immediately detached from reality, I said to him,

“For the next five minutes, let’s pretend you’re listening to me as if I’d made an appointment with you for counseling.” He grimaced. That may have been a bit harsh, but it revealed my level of frustration, and he got my point. In fact, we still jokingly refer to it at times when we’re needing more attention or time together. It actually helps us keep our relationship in check. If we don’t, others will gladly fill in the void, and soon we’re neglecting one another and distance is building up. This happens innocently enough, many times from caring for children or aging parents or needs at church. 

 

• Neglecting my own needs

 

This can be spiritually, physically, mentally, or emotionally. No matter the cause, the result is an empty tank or worse, a burned-out engine. I lose perspective and forget why I’m doing what I’m doing. 

In terms of spirituality, I used to think by being married to a godly man I would through osmosis automatically become godly. How ridiculous. My relationship with God is my relationship with God, not my husband’s, and it’s up to me to nurture it. 

In the other areas, I used to get away with staying in decent shape by chasing after the kids, the dog, my students at school, but now I have to be more proactive as I get older and my metabolism slows down. Exercise helps my body, mind, and emotions. Reading and staying current helps me keep up with my adult kids, have an open mind, and be able to discern truth. Depriving myself seemed unselfish to me for a long time, but I’ve learned that if I want to flourish over time, I must also nourish myself.  

 

• Comparing myself to others

 

This one alone has killed more dreams, more ideas, more goals than any other. It’s paralyzing. I’ll read something inspiring and think, what else is there to say? And there goes my desire to write. I’ll search Etsy or Amazon and decide there’s no need for another small business. I’ll hear someone speak another language with ease, and there goes my desire to become bilingual. I’ll listen to a speaker capture the audience and hold their attention, and there goes my belief that I can communicate effectively. And I’ll look at how attractive the speaker is, and realize that I don’t have the right look or image needed to appeal to most women. Comparing myself to others defeats me and keeps me in a box on the shelf right where the enemy wants me. 

 

• Allowing busyness to define my purpose

 

I fell into the trap of believing that if I stayed busy enough, I would be accomplishing a lot! And I would have a built-in legitimate excuse for saying no to doing things I didn’t want to do. If I am busy, then surely I’m significant and making an impact. The only problem is that busyness for busyness’ sake at the end of the day only makes you tired and unsatisfied. Years go by and you wonder what you’ve actually accomplished that has real meaning or if you have used your unique gifts and strengths. Am I ministering in an area that brings joy to my heart? I once heard a saying that I’ve never forgotten. 

“Beware of the barrenness of a busy life.”

It reminds me of the Mary/Martha principle of prioritizing time spent with Jesus over busyness; the emphasis is getting to know Him while I still have the opportunity! This is the promise of Psalm 16.

Psalm 16:11 (ESV)

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

 

The promise is that joy comes in His presence!

Since I’m a card-carrying Martha who is always on the move and rarely sits down, I realize more and more my need to stop and sit at Jesus’ feet. It is the better choice!

Ironically, as I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve fallen into at least four of these six! I’ll let you decide if that qualifies or disqualifies me from encouraging you. Life is not about avoiding these situations, it’s about choosing joy in the midst of the struggle.