Keeping Joy in my Ministry Marriage Part 2

Asking for help is not something I do easily. I can find myself circling the “shame spiral” as we lovingly call it in our house, where I have taken on too much, am not willing to ask for help, and martyr myself to get everything completed well and on time. It’s a mix of not wanting to inconvenience anyone and also not wanting to admit that I can’t do it. I’ve always been an independent person and I value it pretty highly. Admitting I’m not the best person to accomplish something has always been hard and continues to be to this day.

So when you combine these attributes with a husband who can also overbook himself, we can find ourselves falling into unhealthy patterns. I get frustrated when he doesn’t pick up his own things, but will do it begrudgingly because I’m such an amazing help to him (note sarcasm dripping from this statement as I casually mention it to him while picking up his things). He will inevitably put the sink full of dishes in the dishwasher not knowing that the dishes already in there were clean. We can both just do the thing at church that we know we can just get done, instead of allowing time for God to bring about someone else who might be better gifted to fulfill that ministry.

As a couple who has done ministry together for almost 20 years, we’re starting to learn about these unhealthy patterns and now find ourselves trying to break the cycles and replace them with healthier alternatives. Just as it isn’t sustainable to completely change your eating to a whole foods, organic diet when all you’ve known is fast food for years, it’s much more realistic to take a step and change one thing for the better until that is a habit and then reevaluate and take another step.

In our marriage I’ve found myself “accidentally” (nothing is an accident with God!) working on things that have helped me feel free to ask for help in my marriage and ministry. When I’ve had a day of running around completing task after task for ministry, kids schedules, and the rest of life, I have found it is alright to ask for time to go for a walk outside alone after dinner while the rest of the family cleans up the kitchen. Remembering to check in with my stress level, keeping margin in my schedule, and my emotional well being all allows me to know if I need to ask for a little bit of assistance. It has been a journey and not everything is always peaceful and falls into place, but I’ve found a lot more joy in my marriage, parenting, and even ministry inside and outside the church, when I realize that I don’t have to do it all and can ask for help from those around me.

A few years ago, I began to ask my husband in certain instances to be my husband instead of my pastor when bringing him a problem I was having. And sometimes I’ve found myself asking him to do the opposite and be my pastor instead of my husband, depending on the issue. This has helped with communication – knowing when I’ve needed someone to listen or a piece of advice. Making that distinction has allowed us to know how to approach a situation with each other.

I’m not always a patient person. I’m quick to jump to a conclusion and then will back off and think about the alternatives. It gets me in trouble with my quick tongue and sometimes dismissive attitude. My husband, however, is slow to speak and slow to anger, embodying that part of James 1:19 well. This is one area I’m currently working on, and while it’s not bringing me immediate happiness, I can see the potential for it to bring me joy in the long run. I’m learning to stop and keep my mouth quiet until I’ve had the chance to think through the logistics and even pray about it before answering. There are tons of books and blogs posts about this, but I recommend Lysa TerKeurst’s The Best Yes for a look at this idea.

Working on these things in a personal setting has given me confidence to try it in ministry. As a pastor’s wife, I’ve felt the guilt of not being involved enough in our church, even though the season of life I’ve been in has necessitated it. Our church has been without any formal women’s ministry for a long time, and while I feel a longing for that connection and community in our church, I know that doing it without asking for help would be a disservice to those in our congregation. We are all so gifted in different ways, and so I’m planning in this new year to try  something new with the women of our church with a monthly open-ended meeting. I’ve scheduled the time and place, but I’m asking for the women to help in the planning and execution of this ministry. We’ll see how it flies, but I’ve felt the Lord pressing on me to not make it too complicated, to not force the relationships and the way that these women can connect, and to ask for help from others that feel just as strongly but may have a different twist on it than would occur to me.

I’ve also realized that as long as I’m doing what God has asked, ordained, and gifted me to do, this is where we sit in ultimate joy. When I’m trying to do it all, in my marriage, at church, wherever, I’m not relying on the Lord, I’m relying on my own strength. And we all know what Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”