I was at a ladies’ luncheon at church getting to know my new church family when one of the ladies innocently asked, “So how did you end up becoming a pastor’s wife?”
I laughed and told her, “By marrying a pastor!” We all chuckled at the statement of the obvious, and although the conversation then turned to other things, it has stuck with me. How did I end up here?
Did I know from a young age that I’d be a pastor’s wife?
Did I hear God speaking to me about this special area of ministry I’d be called into?
Did I spend my time at Bible school searching for a pastor to marry?
Did I attend special “Becoming a Pastor’s Wife” classes in Bible school?
The answer to all of those questions is a resounding NO! I grew up in a Christian home and was heavily involved in my home church. The only thing I knew for sure about my future was that I wanted to go to Moody Bible Institute (all three of my older sisters had gone there) and prepare for ministry. I wasn’t even sure what ministry that would be; I eventually settled on studying Elementary Education and had a loosely defined plan of going overseas to teach in boarding schools where missionary kids lived.
As is often the case, God had other plans for me. While at Moody, I met Paul, who was studying to become a pastor—in the United States. We began dating and as time went on, I sensed the Holy Spirit leading me to marry this man and spend my life supporting and encouraging him in his ministry. While I was prepared to marry Paul, I hadn’t given much thought to what it would mean to be a pastor’s wife.
I remember a turning point in my understanding of “becoming a pastor’s wife” during the time we were dating. We had begun talking about getting married and Paul asked me, “Do you think you can be a pastor’s wife?”
I immediately began thinking of the pastors’ wives I had known and what they were each like. In my mind, I painted a picture of a woman who was petite, soft-spoken, and liked being in the background. Then I thought of myself – a tall, extroverted woman who likes to be right in the thick of things. I answered, “I honestly don’t know if I can. That doesn’t seem to be something that fits my personality.”
Paul listened patiently as I described a “real” pastor’s wife and how incompatible the image was with my own personality. Then he said something revolutionary to me, “Tobi, I don’t want you to be those things. I just want you to be MY wife.” As we talked more, I realized that becoming a pastor’s wife was less about meeting a list of arbitrary qualifications and more about committing to love and support my husband (who happens to be a pastor) throughout his ministry.
Encouraged, I told him, “Well I can do that!” It was remarkably freeing to realize that my job as Paul’s wife would be the same regardless of what career path he chose. My calling as a wife is clear from Scripture:
He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:4-6 (ESV)
My job as a wife is to become one with my husband, in whatever God has called him to do. That is true whether Paul is a pastor, a businessman, a factory worker, a farmer, or anything else God might ask of him.
I am confident that at this time, God has called my husband to serve as a pastor and equally confident that God has called me to be his wife. Therefore, I am confident that for this chapter of our lives, God has called me to support my husband (who happens to be a pastor) as a pastor’s wife.
