One year ago my husband and I were waiting for the birth of our fourth child. Still waiting, actually. The due date had come and gone. I had been in a constant state of preparation for almost 4 weeks at this point. Due dates are subjective, of course, but maintaining stamina twelve days past is tiring. Physically and emotionally, yes. But spiritually too. Yet God’s timing is indeed perfect. I was reminding myself of truths like this because 1) I wanted to believe them and 2) who can I count on if not God and His Word? By this time my mom was out so I went to the church for quiet and a change of scenery while my husband sermonized. Our small-town church building is small, but there’s a loop. I walked.
Sanctuary. Foyer. Library.
Sanctuary. Foyer. Library.
*turn around for variety*
Library. Foyer. Sanctuary . . .
I talked with God.
“Lord, if you think it’s okay, would you give me some understanding? Please just disclose something to help me have perseverance and perspective with what to do next.”
I knew He could do it. But would He?
Who was I kidding, I thought. God doesn’t promise me divine understanding. Surely there’s something more important that He’d want to give, anyway. Something to sanctify me. “Probably a fruit of the spirit,” I murmured through tears.
I decided that evening to pray for peace. It wasn’t my first request, but I knew I needed something.
Shortly after, my doula, Kristen—which is a God-story in itself—responded to my text, acknowledging my discouragement and reminding me that even when things are out of our hands they are never out of God’s. And then she let me know that she’d be praying Philippians 4:7 for me:
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I exhaled into sobs once again that day. I could see this familiar passage in a brand new way because of how it resonated with my own specific prayers. Kristen didn’t know I had asked for understanding or for peace, yet through her God was using His Word to speak straight to my longing heart. God could and would give me something better than I was seeking.
I wanted understanding but God was revealing the superiority of the gift of His peace.
God had heard me (no kidding!), but I actually felt it and knew it at that moment. He didn’t give grand insight into if or how to adjust the plan, but, I had a better assurance–His presence.
As we celebrate the first birthday of our little man, I’m still here asking God for direction and understanding. Now I’m praying about my personal involvement with ministry, men to lead with my husband, and building projects. But I’m seeing that I don’t need understanding to fix my unease. I have peace directly from my attentive Father, guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
