The Secret About Pastors’ Kids

My son was jumping up and down, waving his hand in front of the camera and giggling. I tried to shoo him away and nearly tripped over my oldest son, who was messing with the still unstable tripod. Concerned that one of them was about to knock over the expensive camera right before the church service, I told the two boys – wait. Two? As I looked around for my third son, an usher came to get me. My missing third son had just fallen head over heels down the stairs while he was sliding down the railing and was now bleeding and crying in the middle of the church foyer. 

I bet any mom out there can relate to this story, because being a mom means you have kids, and having kids means you have mornings like this—even if your kids are pastor’s kids (PKs).

Here’s the secret about PKs – they’re just kids. They are full of life, energy, sweetness, curiosity, and thrill (like my railing-slider). They have ups and downs. They have good moments and bad moments. Sometimes they sit quietly in church and sometimes they ask me 20 million questions in the loudest stage whisper I have ever heard in my life (sorry to everyone in the 2-3 pews behind me). They, like you and me and every person on this planet, are people made in God’s image and sinners in need of God’s grace.

My children are still quite young (4, 6, and 8) and while I have a long way to go in the journey of raising PKs, here are some things that I’ve learned along the way.

1. Have grace.

My kids are going to mess up and they are going to need correction and guidance. They’re not perfect, just like I’m not perfect. Romans 2:4 says that “God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance.” In His infinite wisdom, God bestows grace, kindness, and patience on His children. This is the example I have for how to correct my children.

Because I love my children and want what’s best for them, I want them to follow God and His Word. Because they are sinners, they will stumble and fall. I need to have grace when they do, not words of harsh judgment. I need to lovingly and firmly point them to the truth of Scripture without shaming them for their actions or bringing up their status as a PK to scold them.

2. Give them freedom to be kids.

There will always be some people in the church who have ideas or expectations about what a PK should do or not do. These expectations are often unbiblical and legalistic. People sometimes unfairly extend the calling of the pastor onto his children, which is putting extra biblical expectations on these children. They haven’t been called into ministry – their father has. It isn’t their job to minister to the church body – it’s their dad’s job. 

My husband and I do our best to set a good example in this area and set the tone with others at church for what we expect of our children. We expect obedience because that is their job as our children, as we see in Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

However, we try not to expect our kids to do certain things or act certain ways just because their dad is the pastor. When my introverted son is hanging out with his dad early on a Sunday morning and a parishioner tries to get a handshake from him, my husband does not force him to “be friendly” and shake hands just because he’s the pastor’s kid. Our son has the freedom to be shy and not talk to adults he doesn’t know very well. He has the freedom to just be a kid tagging along with his dad, and not be a mini pastor.

It can be tempting to yield to the pressure of other people’s expectations, especially since how they view our children can affect how they view my husband and his role as pastor. I often have to remind myself that we answer to God for our parenting, not people. This idea of remembering that I answer to God and not man is something that flows through Scripture in verses like Psalm 56:11, “in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (See also Ps. 27:1, 56:4, 118:6; Is. 51:12; Heb. 13:6; and Rom. 8:31.)

3. Foster heart over performance.

There is a temptation, especially in the current climate of Facebook and other social media platforms, to put our kids on display. Whether we want to live life vicariously through them or just show off how amazing they are to anyone who will listen, the struggle is real, and pastors and their families aren’t exempt! “Did you hear about how many Bible verses Junior memorized last week? It’s amazing! He must take after his daddy!”

I don’t think there is anything wrong with us being happy about our children doing well, wanting to encourage them, and sharing the joy of a job well done. But we need to be careful that we don’t allow that to turn into an obsession with how our kids perform. My son could say 20 Bible verses about showing kindness to one another but then go home and yell at his brother. If I simply praise his Bible memorization but don’t address the lack of kindness in his heart, what has he learned?

I need to be more concerned with what he is learning about who God is and how that affects his daily life, seeking to foster true life application, than about how many Bible questions he can answer. 1 Samuel 16:7 says, “For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

In order to foster my children’s hearts, I need to seize every opportunity to point them to Christ. Day in and day out, I need to work with them to understand what the verses and the stories they know so well mean and how that affects me personally and them personally. 

As I sat on the steps comforting my bleeding thrill-seeker, I was grateful for the freedom my PKs have to just be kids, even if it means making poor decisions. I’m grateful for a gracious God Who models gracious parenting for us, and I pray that He will give my husband and me the wisdom we need each day to faithfully raise our precious PKs.