Some moments are printed on your memory never to be erased. The memory of the conversation with my friend I had in the elevator ride down to the basement to finish our laundry as college girls is one of them. She had been struggling for some time with some health issues and was feeling quite discouraged over the relentless pain she had to cope with in her body from day-to-day.
As much as the memory of that conversation stuck in my head, what I said is not emblazoned on my memory; it was her response. Basically, after I shared some typical Christian platitude with a good Bible verse thrown in, my friend, kindly but honestly, said, “That doesn’t help. I just need you to be with me in my suffering.” Ouch!
I was a healthy 20-something young woman who had had few trials and no major health problems. I was only armed with a lot of Biblical knowledge (we were in Bible college, after all!), so I figured I had it all figured out. What better way to comfort someone than to share the comfort of the Word of God, right?
Well…yes, and no. God’s Word is absolutely true, and we need His comfort in troubled times, but I had not yet learned the lesson of Job’s miserable comforters, as they have come to be called. Job’s friends, too, had all the right answers, speaking the truth of God’s Word to Job, but that was after they wept, tore their clothes, put on ashes of mourning and sat with him for a whole entire week to mourn with him over all of his losses (see Job 2:11-13).
They would have done better to have kept their mouths shut after that, but what follows in the next 30-plus chapters is a great example to us of what not to say, so it had its purpose.
Tucked in the dialogue between Job and Eliphaz in chapter 6:14 is a statement by Job that can direct all our interactions with those who are suffering deeply. The way it is phrased in the New American Standard version popped out to me not long ago. It says: “For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he doesn’t forsake the fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14, NASB).
When I was throwing Bible verses at my friend in the elevator ride down to the laundry room, it wasn’t that I was being unkind, but I didn’t understand then that those who are suffering have such deep pain that some words are difficult to receive. If suffering people don’t receive kindness, they may even forsake (or want to forsake) the Lord.
Having had my own share of trials since then, I have begun to learn that kindness from a friend is truly helpful in a time of deep pain. Not only that, but I have been able to understand the feeling of wanting to forsake God when the supposed comfort I have received from some of His followers has only contributed to my pain, rather than relieve it.
Having someone validate painful experiences, having someone remind me that they are praying without any strings attached and sometimes just staying away so I can process my pain—those have been consolations for me. They have been kindness to my soul. Getting pat answers or even well-meaning Bible verses just multiplied the pain for me.
Another dear friend, while going through an intense battle with cancer, told the story of a fellow church member who would repeatedly send her emails loaded with Bible verses to “help” her through her journey. She got to the point where she had to simply delete the messages because this well-meaning sister just didn’t get what her words were doing.
I love how Chuck Swindoll describes this complexity in being with others in their suffering in his book Dropping Your Guard: the Value of Open Relationships. He remarks, “Wouldn’t it be helpful to have fail-safe rules to follow on super-sensitive occasions? But when fellowship breaks down [because someone is in personal turmoil], black and white rule books need to be tossed into the sea. And people who tend to follow them should take a hike” (p. 102)!
There is no question that “when the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul”, but God’s comfort coming directly from Him is always the right answer (Psalm 94:19). When we attempt to help others who are suffering by only sharing Bible verses and trying to make simple answers out of complex pain, we only hurt those dear people further. We don’t have the knowledge that God has while comforting others in their personal sufferings.
Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score and expert in the effects of trauma on the body, puts it like this: “After trauma the world becomes sharply divided between those who know and those who don’t. People who have not shared the traumatic experience cannot be trusted because they cannot understand it” (p. 18).
Job’s friends were a few thousand years too early to get this wisdom from Dr. van der Kolk, but by the time we get to the end of the book of Job and we hear from God, the verdict and message is essentially the same. God is God and we are not. We cannot tell someone why their suffering is happening because God may withhold that answer from them, too. That’s His prerogative as God.
So, when you’re in that proverbial elevator with that friend who is going through the tough time, what do you do? Rather than focusing on giving the Word, be the Word. Be directed by God’s Spirit in your ministrations. Be present, not preachy. And be prepared to be surprised.
Mysteries will remain; you very likely might say or do the wrong thing, but be assured that the Living Word will minister grace to your suffering friend, even if it’s only through your prayers. Participating in His work in that way, you can never go wrong.
Taking it Further: What ministers to you the most when you are suffering?
Swindoll, Charles R. Dropping Your Guard: the Value of Open Relationships. Word Books Publisher. Waco, Texas, 1983.
Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. New York, New York, 2014.