Am I Allowed to Say No?

When I was dating Paul, an uncle of mine who is also a pastor took me aside at a family reunion to shower me with pastoral advice. There was one particular comment that has stuck with me for the last decade,

“Don’t let ministry cause you to neglect your family.” He showed me how he had regular family time pre-scheduled into his calendar so that he could always tell someone, “I’m sorry, I have an appointment that evening,” if necessary. I remember walking away from that conversation a bit confused – shouldn’t we always say yes to ministry needs? Am I allowed to say no? The answer is yes! Sometimes we have to say no to ministry needs in order to show love to our family.

Have you ever felt like you aren’t allowed to say no? I tend to be a people pleaser and feel obligated to always say yes. As a pastor’s wife, I am often more focused on how my words or actions might reflect on my husband than I am on whether or not something is a wise commitment. 1 Corinthians 16:14 says, “Let all that you do be done in love.” I am quick to apply this verse to ministry but not always as quick to apply it to my own family. Sometimes I need to say no to a ministry opportunity in order to lovingly care for my family in the way God has called me to do.

Other times, I think that I have to say yes, because if I don’t, who will? I fall into the trap of thinking that ministry is all about me and my ability to get things done, and forget that God has other servants just as capable (and oftentimes more so) than me. I recently said no to helping with VBS (a ministry I usually help with) and was amazed by the work God did that week through others in our church without any help from me. It was a good reminder for me to trust God to take care of it when He is leading me to say no.

So then is the answer to say no to all ministry opportunities? Certainly not! As with any decision in life, I try to take each ministry opportunity one at a time and prayerfully consider what God wants me to do. As a part of that process, I always talk with my husband. We look together at our family calendar and factors such as:

• What ministry obligations is he (or am I) already committed to during that time?
• What school things or other events are happening in our children’s lives?
• If I take on this ministry opportunity, will it prevent our family from having necessary time together?
• Do I want to say yes to this opportunity because I believe God is leading me to do so?These questions help me to focus on whether or not this is a ministry opportunity God wants me to pursue or not. I try to say yes as often as possible because it is a gift to serve with other believers in our church family.

Sometimes these questions help us to realize that the timing isn’t right this time, and I need to focus on my ministry to my family instead. When this happens, I say no as graciously as I can.

When I struggle with feeling guilty for saying no, I remember Colossians 3:23-24,

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

Whether I am serving at church or at home, I am doing it for the Lord. I am accountable to Him, not to other people and what they may think or say, or what I imagine that they are thinking about me.

In this “small-children phase” of our lives, Paul and I enjoy serving together as much as we can and look forward to days when we can serve together in other ways that we can’t today. Regardless of the phase of life we are in, we will always consider each opportunity prayerfully together, looking at both how we can serve God in ministry and lovingly care for our family, while doing it all to the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31).