I was scrolling through Facebook when it happened. I thought of someone who had left our church a while back, wondered how they were doing, and searched for them to see what was going on in their lives – only to find their profile with the ominous “Add Friend” button. With a twisting sensation in my stomach, I realized that I had been unfriended.
It wasn’t the first time, and it probably won’t be the last. Sometimes when people leave the church, they cut all ties with the pastor (and by extension his wife). Facebook certainly isn’t a reliable source of friendship, but it can be a symptom of deeper issues. For me, it can poke at my insecurity of being unseen.
As a pastor’s wife, I often feel that I am unseen. Not physically unseen, of course. People see me most Sundays. They see me supporting my husband, guiding my children, helping in ministry in various ways. They see me being their pastor’s wife. But do they see ME?
Do they see the woman who loves to read children’s books, do arts and crafts, drink coffee, eat chocolate, be a bit snarky (okay, maybe a lot snarky), and so much of what makes me who I am? Do they see the woman who can lose it and snap at her husband and kids, who struggles with faithfully being in the Word all the time, who is human, and not even a little perfect? Do they see me, beautiful but flawed, made in God’s image, marred by sin, loved by Him? Do they SEE me?
So many don’t. So many see only what they want to see. They see someone who fills a role. They see someone who they are friendly with, but not friends with – at least not when the going gets tough. They see someone who they expect to act in a certain way, have certain opinions, and to live up to certain levels of spirituality or even perfection. Those people don’t see me.
Sometimes I am silent because I know my opinions or thoughts aren’t really welcome. There are times when I feel overlooked, marginalized, or unseen, simply because people haven’t taken the time to actually look deeper – beyond my role – and see me.
I believe this is a common struggle for pastors’ wives. Many of us struggle to find a friend who really knows and cares for us because we’re us, not just their pastor’s wife. On Christine Hoover’s By Faith podcast, another pastor’s wife, Caroline Saunders, shared a story that struck a chord for me. She had a friend who worked for her husband and there were some difficulties going on, but this friend came to her and said, “We will be friends no matter what.” This isn’t even my story but that makes me feel seen – a woman who sees her friend (who happens to be a pastor’s wife) and cares for her as she is.
Even though I often feel unseen by people, this isn’t the full picture. There is One Who always sees me. Who knows me and loves me, flaws and all. There is One whose name (given by Hagar) is God Sees Me:
The angel of the Lord found her by a spring in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. He said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?”
She replied, “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai.”
The angel of the Lord said to her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her authority.” The angel of the Lord said to her, “I will greatly multiply your offspring, and they will be too many to count.”
The angel of the Lord said to her, “You have conceived and will have a son. You will name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard your cry of affliction. This man will be like a wild donkey. His hand will be against everyone, and everyone’s hand will be against him; he will settle near all his relatives.”
So she named the Lord who spoke to her: “You are El-roi [God Sees Me],” for she said, “In this place, have I actually seen the one who sees me?”
- Genesis 16:7-13 CSB
Hagar was both a victim of her mistress/master and of her own mistakes. Sarai stepped outside of God’s plan for their family by offering Hagar to Abram, who went along with the contrived plan. Hagar became pregnant, then had contempt for Sarai. Sarai then mistreated Hagar, who fled. There is so much brokenness here – but what stands out beautifully amidst the brokenness of human plans is God’s care for Hagar. God saw her. Even though she had also messed up, God cared for her. So much so, that Hagar is the only person mentioned in the Bible as giving a name to God! And what did she name Him? El-roi, or “God Sees Me.” Her name for God highlights the fact that no matter where she is or what she is experiencing, God sees her. She could then go back to Sarai, knowing that God sees her.
Like Hagar, God sees me. Like Hagar, I will be both the victim of others’ mistakes and my own. I will mess up and people around me will, too. But through it all, God sees me.
God has also seen fit to give me friends who see me too. They may not be as numerous as the ones who don’t see me, but they don’t have to be. These friends are blessings here on earth, gifts from God Sees Me, reminding me that they are but the tip of the iceberg, for He is the One Who sees me, always.
