The seasoned hiker was alone on an arduous journey, enjoying the beauty of the scenery and the challenge of the venture. Then something went wrong. He sent one text. No response. He tried another–still no response. His condition worsened. The elements revealed their power. Now he was becoming desperate. He could only text one word: “HELP”.
It was the last word he “spoke” to another human, but it was too late. You see, this man sent this text to a stranger before he stepped foot on the remote trailhead for his journey, but the stranger didn’t check his phone. No one was there to listen, so the call didn’t get through. He didn’t get the help he needed. He’s still missing.
Anyone in this man’s situation would feel no shame in asking for help. When anyone sends out an SOS signal like this, calling for urgent help, people usually come running (as long as they get the signal).
But . . . what about when you or your pastor-husband is drowning in depression or discouragement? It’s a lot harder to ask for help for these kinds of challenges, especially when you are a leader or pastor and others go to you for strength in tough times.
This month we have been looking at how to support our pastor-husbands when they are in times of depression or discouragement. First we looked at a personal story. Then last week we shared what we learned from a survey of Flowers team members about what led our pastor-husbands into depression or discouragement.
Today we want to share some practical ways we can support our husbands when they are down. How can we respond to their calls for help?
A listening ear and a voice of truth: The best help we can give to our husbands is to listen to them when they are struggling. They need someone to speak the truth to them and to help them see the reality of the situation, to help them focus on the facts and not the feelings. They need to have their feelings validated and the facts verified and clarified so that they know whether or not they are seeing their current situation correctly. As was mentioned in last week’s blog, we and our husbands need to know we are not alone in our struggles, so finding a seasoned fellow pastor to be a listening ear who can share common experiences can help our husbands through these times of depression and discouragement.
Get rest and get perspective: Our survey showed that getting rest and time away were ways to counter the lows with highs. My mom always told me that everything looks worse when you are tired, and I have seen how it is hard for my husband to maintain a right perspective on things when he is burnt out.
To prevent that, we try to schedule times of rest and recreation to maintain balance. When we have been in particularly challenging seasons of ministry we tried to get away regularly for a night at a hotel as a family to get rest and gain perspective. I know this can be challenging on tight budgets, but God values rest; and I learned to boldly ask for financial provision for these times away because I knew my husband needed them to continue on in the ministry, and God always provided.
Don’t minimize what he’s feeling: The worst things you can say to your depressed or discouraged husband go something like this—“It will be okay; just buck up; you’ll be fine, just give it time”, etc. We don’t want to be like Job’s miserable comforters. We need to join our husband in his suffering and just BE there for him in these times. As much as he is a preacher of and loves the Word of God, only quoting Scripture or other platitudes will not bring comfort at these times of depression and discouragement. Walk with him through the valley and share Scripture when the time is right and eventually the path will rise.
Be his friend: Ultimately, to help our husband through depression or discouragement he needs us to be his friend—patient, uncritical, sensitive, kind. As his wife you know your husband better than any other person on the planet. You know his particular triggers and struggles. You know what encourages him. It won’t be exactly the same for every man, but investing in him, listening to him, loving him in every way–physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually—this will help your husband through.
With your help and with the help of others who have been there your pastor-husband won’t be afraid to send out a call for help because he knows he has a safe place to go where his SOS signal will get a reception and a response.
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Just a Note – Friend, depression is a very serious and often overlooked struggle within ministry. If your husband is experiencing depression, please encourage him to seek help. Yes, seek counsel from God’s Word as a couple, but please also encourage him to seek the help of a biblical counselor and/or doctor as physical ailments and medications can also cause many symptoms of depression.
*This 2-part series is merely a reflection of the experiences of our team here at Flowers for the Pastor’s Wife. Other than statistics mentioned from the Barna Group, this series does not represent a comprehensive survey of the experiences of all pastors’ wives.