With Great Power…

You’ve probably heard the popular saying, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Many people throughout history have been credited with this quotation or something similar, but my personal favorite is Ben Parker, Spiderman’s uncle. The idea of a teenage boy suddenly being given great power and needing to learn the responsibility that goes along with such power resonates with me. I think a similar thing happens to us when we become pastors’ wives. We are regular women with our own individual struggles who are thrust into a position of power simply by marrying a man who happens to be a pastor.

Now, I don’t mean power in the sense of church politics, or being able to influence decisions simply through marriage to an “important” person in the church. I mean the power of words.

Words are powerful. This is true in every area of life. The more important a person is in your life, the more potent their words are to you. Think of a coach and the importance that her words have for her athletes. An encouraging word from her can boost an athlete to greater performance, or even give her the strength she needs to pursue her dream in sports. On the other hand, a disparaging comment or angry criticism can be the end of that student’s love for the sport.  The same is true with teachers and their words to their students – or a boss and an employee. The comparisons are endless.

As a pastor’s wife, I hold a place of importance (whether deserved or not) in the lives of many of the women in my church. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” What kind of words am I using when I speak with the people in our church? Life words or death words? Or when I’m speaking about people in the church?

When I married Paul, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to be a good pastor’s wife. I had an image in my mind of a prim and proper, petite, quiet woman – and that is NOT me. I am not quiet. I am not prim and proper (or petite, but that’s beside the point). I am not very good at hiding what I’m thinking or feeling, which gets me into trouble sometimes. I need to be able to guard my mouth like the Psalmist says in Psalm 141:3, “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!”

Really, this is true for everyone, not just pastors’ wives. Scripture is full of admonitions, commands, and warnings about the tongue. James spends a great deal of time addressing the tongue and addresses these things to “every person” (James 1:19). There are numerous Proverbs about the danger of the tongue (Proverbs 12:18, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing,”) and also about the sweetness of the tongue when it is used well (Proverbs 16:24, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”)

As a pastor’s wife, I want to be faithful with using my tongue well. There are people who look to me as a role model for how to tame this tiny but destructive organ, whether I want them to or not. Here are a few practical suggestions of how to do that.

Don’t be salty; be seasoned with salt. It’s so easy to be grumpy! There are just so many things that don’t go my way, and the most natural (sinful) response is to be grumpy and complain about it. However, I need to follow Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” When I respond to people at church, I should be able to have a seasoned response that is full of grace, not complaint. 

Don’t tear down; build up. I need to be purposeful about using words that will encourage and build up others, not criticize or tear down. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” I want people at church to walk away from conversations with me feeling encouraged in their walk with the Lord. I should ask myself, “How can I build up this person today?”

Don’t be quick to speak; be quick to hear. I enjoy talking. I enjoy relating with people, sharing stories, and opening up to them. However, it can be easy for me to talk too much. James 1:19 says, “…be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” I need to remember to slow down and really hear other people. I can show them love by taking the time to hear what they have to say and not just talking at them. I need to take the time to ask questions about what is happening in their lives and remember to follow up later to see how things played out with the concerns they shared with me.

Don’t stoke the fire; put out the fire. Gossip is one of those things that I think every church struggles with but likes to pretend that it doesn’t. We all know we shouldn’t gossip, but we like to think that what we’re doing isn’t actually gossip. We tell ourselves, “It’s just a prayer request,” or “My friend really ought to know because they’re involved – sort of.” Proverbs 26:20 says, “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases.” I need to do everything in my power to not stoke the fire of gossip. When someone else tells me something that they really shouldn’t, I need to be where it stops. I need to speak up and gently remind them that we shouldn’t be talking about someone else’s business and put an end to it. As a pastor’s wife, I sometimes know private things about people in the church, and I should never be sharing those things with others or worse, using that information as fuel to stoke the fire of gossip.

Ultimately, I want to take to heart what James 1:26 says, “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.” I want to be characterized by a gentle and bridled tongue, someone who is trustworthy to come to and be encouraged. I want to use my power for God’s glory, to build up and encourage His people.