“Authentic praise flows from honest prayer, unrestrained lament, and trusting dependence. And this is when brokenness becomes beautiful.” – Esther Fleece, No More Faking Fine.
As a pastor’s wife, I have spent countless hours sitting in hospitals, doing home visits, and serving food at funeral lunches. The greatest honor I have had in ministry is to sit with people in their grief, some so fresh that the funeral home had not yet removed their loved one from their bed. I had no idea how hard it would be not to have someone to sit with me in mine.
On December 18, 2020, my mom died. I thought we had more time. Of course, 2020 was during COVID, and my husband, Billy, and I were bedridden for weeks during December and January, which meant I was not able to attend her funeral. I sat in bed watching it live-streamed by my dad, who drove several hours to be at the funeral to make sure I could still be “present”. Our church sent me a peace lily, and my mom faded into oblivion, with many of her friends not even knowing she was gone and a sinking feeling on my part that maybe it never really happened at all.
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?” – Psalm 13:1-2
David’s Psalms have always been a comfort, but after my mom’s death, they became my very lifeline as I learned a very personal lesson about the difference between grief and lament. I knew how to sit with people in their grief, but I had no idea how incomplete that sitting was without helping them voice that grief to the only One who could give them peace, comfort, and yes, even joy again. My pain in dealing with my own grief alone opened up a more complete view of God and how He actually wanted to comfort me in a very real way through voicing my grief, my confusion, and my hurt to Him in lament. Lament is simply voicing our deep pain to God over and over while continually trusting Him. Grief focuses on my hurts; lament gives those hurts a voice as I give them to God to understand, care for, and heal. The most loving thing I can do for another believer is not just to sit in their grief, but to help them struggle through the hard questions they want to ask God. Let’s walk through what it can look like to love someone through lament.
Be present in the uncomfortable.
Take time to sit and listen without trying to fix things. Be willing to sit with their messy emotions as they try to sort out how they feel, which can change from moment to moment. This is your time to be quietly with them so they are not alone as they wrestle with God and their faith. Keep the focus off of yourself and, trying to connect with their pain, just let them feel whatever they need to feel. Don’t judge their doubt and questions as they wrestle with God. If you don’t know what to say, take their pain to God for them.
Help them specifically voice their pain to God in the structure of lament.
Lament gives a helpful structure to grief and a way to take hurts to God so they can be worked through and healed, not just cycling through emotions with no way out. You can use the different Psalms of Lament as guides to help them see how to bring their hurt to God (Individual Psalms of Lament: 3, 6, 13, 22, 31, 39, 42, 43, 51, 54, 55, 56, 57, 59, 61, 64, 69, 71, 77, 86, 88, 102, 109, 120, 130, 140, 141, 142, 143 and Group Psalms of Lament: 12, 44, 60, 74, 79, 80, 83, 85, 89, 90, 94, 123, 126, 129).
Each Psalm of Lament has specific elements, although not every Psalm has every element.
- Specifically address God.
- Be honest about your complaint or hurt.
- Ask God to help you.
- Choose to trust God – look at how He has proven to be faithful.
- Worship God for who He is and what He will do.
To start, an easy way to begin to lament is to address God, tell Him about your hurt/ask questions, and then talk through how you can still trust Him. You can cycle through the emotional hurt as many times as you need, but it always needs to come back to a point of trust.
God, I am hurting – but You have shown me You are faithful – this is so unfair and I just want the other person to understand how much I am hurting – but I know You understand my hurts…
Christians should be practicing lament as part of their relationship with God. We can practice lament by:
- Regularly reading through the Psalms of Lament to learn their rhythm and honesty.
- Spending time studying Lamentations as a guide for deep grief and turning to God.
- Making honest, questioning prayer a part of your daily prayer life.
- Keeping a list of God’s promises and our future hope so our grief can refocus on God.
Keep showing up.
The hardest part of grief is that those who are not personally carrying it are ready to lay it down far before you are. Be ready to walk through their grief with them as long as they need. Let them lament today, three weeks from now, six months from now, and even next year. My mom died six years ago, but if someone were to sit down with me now to talk about it, I know I would cry like it happened yesterday, and that is okay. I do not grieve as someone without hope (I Thessalonians 4:13), and through lament, I know that God cares about my loss and will be with me through it.
“In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.” – Psalm 18:6
Deep grief is an ongoing conversation as we continue to grow in the Lord and place our hope in the promises God has made for our future. Sacrificial love, as Jesus called us to do, means investing in the people He has given to us to care for as we live life with them every day and share each other’s burdens. Learning how to lament has been just as healing for me as it has been for the people I serve. Lament will be that for you, too.
Taking it Further:
Perhaps you have some people in your church who need to lament, or maybe it is even you. What would it look like to take time to learn how to lament in your own life? How much healing could it bring to you and to your church?
For a next step, take some time to read through the Psalms of Lament listed in this post. If any of them really speak to you, spend extra time praying that particular lament to God for yourself. Sharing some of these Psalms on social media could have a big impact, and both Christians and unbelievers will better understand God’s character during our darkest days. It might spark conversation and connect you with someone who could use you to help them learn how to lament.
For a good book on lament: No More Faking Fine by Esther Fleece