When we first moved to our little town, I noticed that hardly anyone honked their horn. I had come from a larger city where honking was more common, so the lack of it here fascinated me. I was drawn in. I wanted to be part of whatever Mayberry or Hallmark movie I’d just found myself in. I didn’t want my horn to “pollute” the environment. The grace and respect for others (even in their mistakes) stood out to me, and I wanted to do what I could to prevent any ugly from spoiling this beauty I’d found. It felt like guarding a newly found treasure box.
As the years have gone on, I’ve realized not honking my horn in my town is hard to stick to! So many times I have felt like just laying on my horn (and I have a list of really solid reasons why I could!). But I am trying to remember the greater beauty that captivated me when we first moved here.
In my church community, especially as a pastor’s wife, I think one of the hardest assignments in loving one another is “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (I Corinthians 13:5). Most of us likely have a list of what has been said or done to our husbands, or to us, or to our family through the years. Harsh criticism, thoughtless comments, or a lack of encouragement are likely just a few. I have found that forgiving this record of wrongs is particularly difficult, because the hurt has come from people I have spent time and energy serving.
I figured out as a pastor’s wife that love is not an equation. What you put in is not necessarily what you get out, and this is hard to sit with. The word “record” in the Greek is the word logizomai which means “to take an inventory” (www.biblehub.com). Taking an inventory denotes dedicating time and thought to the list you are creating. The record of wrongs feels so lopsided to me if I spend a lot of time looking at it through earthly lenses. Since we will continue to struggle with earthly lenses while we are here, can you see why God told us love does not keep the record? It will only continue to frustrate us, take up time and energy, and ultimately get in the way of loving people.
Clinging tightly to a clipboard of wrongs can also lead to bitterness. Bitterness can be contagious and go down deep like a root (Hebrews 12:15); it can pollute a heart, a family, and a church community. I know I am called to be different from the natural bent of the world. I’m supposed to bring some of Heaven to earth (Matthew 6:10) in how I love others, the complete opposite of what the world is doing.
But bringing beauty in the church lobby instead of responding with ugly can feel like trying to scale a mountain some Sunday mornings. In my carnal self, I’d rather press my horn in a lot of these moments….for a long time. In your role as pastor’s wife, people are looking to you for how to do this even if they never voice it, perhaps while you are trying to figure it out for yourself.
I have learned through the years that I cannot let go of a record of wrongs (especially those inflicted by people in the church) by myself. It’s one of the most difficult things to do as a pastor’s wife, prying your fingers off that clipboard of wrongs that you may have tightly clutched for a long time. Holding onto it may feel validating, but that fleeting feeling is only a disguised poison of the Enemy. It’s a trap, designed to distract and sideline you from what you’ve been called to do. Your Enemy knows if you are fuming mad at your congregation members most of the time, then you are unlikely to lean fully into your giftedness and calling (and potentially spread the bitterness to those around you).
I have learned that I need a prayer and accountability partner for this area of my life and at times, I’ve needed a counselor too. To that end, here are two viable options just for you in case you need help and support in the process of forgiving a record of wrongs too:
1). https://www.careforpastors.org/
2). https://alongsideministrywives.com/ … Press the “I Need Help” button at the top of the screen which will get you to the triage area. You will typically have another pastor’s wife in communication with you within 24 hours.
The reason getting help from a counselor may be so key in your situation is that, as a pastor’s wife, you typically cannot process the hurt with groups in your congregation. Processing it there can often lead to additional complexities and division. Counselors outside of your situation can also help you pray through healthy boundaries and wise strategies for the long haul. To be clear, forgiving a record of wrongs and loving one another does not mean accepting ongoing abuse.
Ultimately, handing the record of wrongs to your Heavenly Father, who loves you more than you can imagine, is another way of saying, “I trust you with some of the deepest pain I’ve ever felt.” You will need God’s help to forgive your brothers and sisters and to really love them the way God has loved you. The record of wrongs looks so much smaller when I look at it in light of what I have been forgiven of and when I have love, and support around me, reminding me of the truth.
Letting go of the record of wrongs frees you up to love deeply and lean fully into what God has called you to do for this time and with these people. We are here for a short time, my sisters. Add beauty to where you’ve been called. Use the brief time you’ve been given to the utmost without being weighed down by a record of wrongs.
Taking it Further:
- With the short time we are on this planet, how much time do you currently dedicate to ruminating on a record of wrongs? How would ministry life look different for you if you were free of this?
- Do you have someone outside your church who can help you with wounds and hurts you’ve received inside the church and point you to Jesus? If not, what step can you take this week to start seeking someone out?
- If the Enemy is trying to get you to keep a record of wrongs…how can you “flip this” and start thinking about the good that this person has done in your life or in the life of the body of Christ? How would that mindset change what is happening in your heart?